Well, as the subject title suggests... I am at a point right now where I absolutely have to make a decision... no space to breathe...just decide..
For 5 years... Well minus the long & short months we've broke up..dozen of times..it's not really 5... It has been David, through thick & thin..it was always been her..highs & tides, never pulled out my sleeves & gave up... I didn't think it was possible... But, it has indeed been that long...
However, over this past year, I really thought I would be saying goodbye to her...But never done that..I thought I would give her chance..we both deserve it..but I was not happy anymore, tried my best to revived the relationship & gave her the benefit of the doubt that she changed..but my feelings were soiled..I feel the "companionship" but being in love was not there anymore.
Every time I try to face her & utter the words...such a drag, one unfortunate thing to another...problems, her feelings of not being worth it..she can't stand her life & hated it..I was feeling guilty to even have the face to feel that way.
I didn't know I deserve to be happy with the opposite sex..I seem oblivious about men..don't have negative vibe against them but I've always thought no MAN could get to me..Never planned for this..I was actually praying theother...i need to be away & unchain myself from all of these.I was actually talking to a friend when he gave me that PM..well rest was history.
Obviously, since at the present moment I am talking about decisions, that didn't happen... I feel awful about it, and yet - awkward... ...
To tell David that we are over...
I do love him... And I know in my heart, and in my very soul... I always will... But, he and I are just not meant to be together like how he wants it...
There is also the matter of Ronald... And how much I love him... in juz a short time..And how much I truly think he and I could work it out just great....I know we would work out...
With David, he's just too confined... She needs to learn to let things go... And live Life - just live it... Don't beat it to deaf if it doesn't go as planned... Moments are too precious for that...
Oi vey... This is just so heart-wrenching... Especially since I have thought about telling them both goodbye... I can't have both worlds..though life is unfair but I don't want to be a part of it...so decisions...decisions...decisions...
David - it will utterly shatter her...
Ronald - I think he could survive it...
Me? Hah... I just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone at all... I would much rather destroy myself than harm the ones I love and care about in my Life...
Right now... The stress I am feeling from all of this, plus the school and the work... It's taking a toll on me.... Even though I am desperately trying to stay positive... But, still, I have a long way to go on that journey...
Just as I know the break up process will be long and hard... Since David and I have such a loooong and such a tight bond.... It really hurts - soooo much... I sunk down to the shower floor earlier this evening... bawling... I just hope none of my floormates heard me... I've been bottling this stuff up inside me for much too long... I know the consequences..but what can I do?there is no easy way. I don't want to hold back again & wait another gud tym..well in fact there isn't a good time for hurting someone right?I pangs to my core...
.
I do want to say goodbye...
However, I want the absolute best for her... And, well, frankly... I'm not... We really are too different... And she wants specific things in a relationship... that I just don't possess... It always ticking I can't go on with her dreams..what about mine?
I - gosh!... I have rambled enough... for now... gee... I wish there was an easier way... But, someone or someones are going to get hurt... I just hope I can do it delicately... so that no bitterness comes of it... i'm so sorry, 'dy... I wish I could be everything you want... But, I'm not.. Nor will I ever be... i'm just me...in the end..It's juz all ME...
