could u just answer

To make someone else happy
Do I have to feel sorrow?
And will I have to suffer
To be happy tomorrow?

Are two hearts broken
While another one mends?
If you lose the beginning
Do you start at the end?

If I laugh 'til it hurts
Will I still feel sad?
By being true to myself
Will I make others feel bad?

If the sky fell in
Would the earth still stand?
And if the clouds toppled onto me
Would you grab my hand?

If I screamed in pain
Would you run to my side?
Skid to a halt
Turn like the tide?

But my heart's never been broken
Although you do not care
I'm not covered in clouds
As the sky is still there

I'll stop asking me questions
You won't break my heart

We've both lost the ending

Let's start at the start..

for u..u know hu u are

Monday, Oct 29, 2007

The signs were always there, you just failed to notice. And life is difficult, so why should one have to face it alone? This feeling in my heart beckons me to admit the truth, yet my soul is lost in confusion while you seem so oblivious to the signs. Certainly you must have noticed something by now? Maybe that is the reason you seem silent towards me. But it hurts me inside. And the longer I hold it in, the more you seem to not see it… or do you ignore it? Truly you are not that cruel. Though I have to admit, you certainly don’t reply to me in the way I want you to. Maybe my wants are selfish. Maybe they are futile. But are they meaningless to you? I wish the answer to that was more clear than it seems for I Am lost.

Can’t you see the ‘wanting’ that I feel? I long for more than just the fragile feeling we hold. We started off so much better than we are now, and it has been such a short time since then. Am I being too rash?

I know of your pain. I have heard how painful your life has been (from you, of course) . My life has been a woe of crying and wanting too. Yet you seem to refuse yourself from freeing away from it. Or am I the one that is blind?

That void of uncertainty peels at my heart. And yet I do nothing, but wait. Waiting for that moment. Wanting for it to come sooner, yet when it gets here I will be alone… Not knowing what to do or say. I will be isolated. That feeling makes my heart burn, yet with a cold so bitter..

I know what I must do now. And I know that watching from a distance and just hoping it would happen, that would not help. So I have to do it. The moment will come far too late. I do not want this, I need it instead. The burning desire of a lonely soul is to much of a burden for one to hold alone.

My words can be meaningless or meaningful. So which is it to you? I just need to know. Your silence is like poison to me. It kills me. And I am dying. So please… just hear me out. If it isn’t to be, then let me know. But you cannot decide until you hear what I have to say. So please listen, listen to my tears and ‘hear’ me…

My dearest one… Life has me trapped. I want you to see that. So please, take me by your touch and tell me what do you want from me. Hon, I love you… Do you love me too?

have U ever

have you ever tried to do your best in something,
and ended up with something completely wrong?

have you ever tried to be honest with yourself,
but ended up lying to yourself?

have you ever tried to never compare to anyone else,
but realized you've done the complete opposite?

have you ever looked up to someone,
and thought about how you wished to be like them?

and at the very least...

have you ever admired someone to the point,
you realized you are just a number?

think twice about who you admire..
most chances are they don't give a damn about how you feel.

lady speaks no more

lady speaks no more

Friday, Oct 26, 2007

Therefore the lover speaks no more
The silent lady knocking at his door
He is frightened from the lady knocking at his door-

Dreaming of the girl he onced dreamed of
he says to himself ''why is the lady knocking at my door?''

Sitting lonely did the lover
Silently gasping ''why is the lady knocking at my door?''

All of a sudden he hears a flutter, knocking at his door-
A mystery it was to the lover
Then the lady muttered ''why am i tapping,knocking,rapping at the lover's door?''

The silent lady will then speak, nevermore.

It doesn't really work..loving too much, doesn't really work for me..a side of me was saying " i wish i wasn't inlove with him"...another just silently claims " its high time you admit to yourself, your damn in love..hard...too hard."

..InSide...

I am writing this for a very much missed person..this time I want so much to SCREAM..but I choose to be heard but by his ears but his heart...

I’m yearning for something I can’t have,
Trying to buy something that can’t be put in my hands,
Feel like I’m lending something I can’t get back,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

I’m fighting a match I know I can’t win,
But I’ll keep hoping that you’ll give in,
Feel like I’m planning something I can’t begin,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

I’m up against something that shakes me up,
Staring down the infinitely dark side of love,
Feel like giving it my all would never be enough,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

It doesn’t have to be so hard,
But it tends to be with all my scars,

I’m creating a disaster that can’t be solved,
But I just can’t help but to get involved,
Feel like my weakness will never evolve,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me…

RUNAWAY DAY

i miss writing...it's solitary for me..i woke this morning with a song from faye blanche "run away"..its about treating yourself as yer most significant persona in your life...i felt trashed & wasted..no amount of words could quite express it..but i am getting by..NOT my " getting by" approach before..i just realized that i should stop from walking away from all the people who love me & stop hiding from my own frailties...i can't undone those things..now, i just wish that i wouldn't have hurt those people who love me immensely..i felt like i was this big bulk of baggage from other people's life..i just wish they could stop hurting for me..life is indeed full of complexities...u have to get hurt to learn how to truly love...to fail for you to re-learn your lesson..i am getting by..and it feels gud to face my own realities eventhough not all of my realities are the good ones..

No space to breathe

Decisions... Decisions... Decisions....
Well, as the subject title suggests... I am at a point right now where I absolutely have to make a decision... no space to breathe...just decide..

For 5 years... Well minus the long & short months we've broke up..dozen of times..it's not really 5... It has been David, through thick & thin..it was always been her..highs & tides, never pulled out my sleeves & gave up... I didn't think it was possible... But, it has indeed been that long...

However, over this past year, I really thought I would be saying goodbye to her...But never done that..I thought I would give her chance..we both deserve it..but I was not happy anymore, tried my best to revived the relationship & gave her the benefit of the doubt that she changed..but my feelings were soiled..I feel the "companionship" but being in love was not there anymore.

Every time I try to face her & utter the words...such a drag, one unfortunate thing to another...problems, her feelings of not being worth it..she can't stand her life & hated it..I was feeling guilty to even have the face to feel that way.

I didn't know I deserve to be happy with the opposite sex..I seem oblivious about men..don't have negative vibe against them but I've always thought no MAN could get to me..Never planned for this..I was actually praying theother...i need to be away & unchain myself from all of these.I was actually talking to a friend when he gave me that PM..well rest was history.

Obviously, since at the present moment I am talking about decisions, that didn't happen... I feel awful about it, and yet - awkward... ...

To tell David that we are over...

I do love him... And I know in my heart, and in my very soul... I always will... But, he and I are just not meant to be together like how he wants it...


There is also the matter of Ronald... And how much I love him... in juz a short time..And how much I truly think he and I could work it out just great....I know we would work out...

With David, he's just too confined... She needs to learn to let things go... And live Life - just live it... Don't beat it to deaf if it doesn't go as planned... Moments are too precious for that...

Oi vey... This is just so heart-wrenching... Especially since I have thought about telling them both goodbye... I can't have both worlds..though life is unfair but I don't want to be a part of it...so decisions...decisions...decisions...

David - it will utterly shatter her...
Ronald - I think he could survive it...

Me? Hah... I just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone at all... I would much rather destroy myself than harm the ones I love and care about in my Life...

Right now... The stress I am feeling from all of this, plus the school and the work... It's taking a toll on me.... Even though I am desperately trying to stay positive... But, still, I have a long way to go on that journey...

Just as I know the break up process will be long and hard... Since David and I have such a loooong and such a tight bond.... It really hurts - soooo much... I sunk down to the shower floor earlier this evening... bawling... I just hope none of my floormates heard me... I've been bottling this stuff up inside me for much too long... I know the consequences..but what can I do?there is no easy way. I don't want to hold back again & wait another gud tym..well in fact there isn't a good time for hurting someone right?I pangs to my core...
.

I do want to say goodbye...

However, I want the absolute best for her... And, well, frankly... I'm not... We really are too different... And she wants specific things in a relationship... that I just don't possess... It always ticking I can't go on with her dreams..what about mine?

I - gosh!... I have rambled enough... for now... gee... I wish there was an easier way... But, someone or someones are going to get hurt... I just hope I can do it delicately... so that no bitterness comes of it... i'm so sorry, 'dy... I wish I could be everything you want... But, I'm not.. Nor will I ever be... i'm just me...in the end..It's juz all ME...