am i trying too hard in hating you?

i wish i could hate you...
sometimes i try but it doesn't work..


i want to hate you for things you promised that you failed to do..i want to hate  because of what you did..i want to hate you for the things you didn't do..i want to hate your the things you made me feel and that is still do, on occasion.i want to hate you because it should be easy to hate you, and that perhaps hating you would take away some of my doubt.  i want to hate you because people always seem a bit surprised that I don’t hate you, which makes me feel like I should hate you.

but I don’t.  sometimes I try, but I can’t. and all that happens is I start to hate myself for the lack of being able to hate you. 

i want to hate you when I hear from you or about you.  it’s completely irrational.  i want to hate you because you are being mature, and respecting me, my feelings, and my life.  i want to hate you because it took you so long to learn how to respect me.   a year apart has caused you to be the bigger man. And I want to hate you. 

But I don’t. Instead I defend you. I protect you. I think about you. And, once in a while, I miss you, too. I especially hate that.

I don’t miss you as a significant part of my romantic life, but sometimes I miss you for your friendship. It’s completely selfish, and I am aware of this, and even okay with it, too.  I miss the way you knew me, and that we had enough history that you knew what I needed and when I needed it. Encouragement, and comfort, and motivation to get my ass in gear.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

The funny thing is, “I believe” that hate is never right, and love is never wrong. Lovewins, I say.  Lovewins, I write in blog posts, and display on my refrigerator, and contemplate tattooing on my wrist. Yet I find myself wanting to hate you.  It’s complex and confusing and  I wish I had some answers to the questions I keep asking, but they never seem to come.  Apparently, all I can do is be patient and wait for the healing and the answers to make their way into my heart, or at least until I begin to understand that the answers may never come. 

I hate that they may never come.  I hate that I know I shouldn’t blame you. 

I don’t hate you, and I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t help but feel damaged.  In the great kitchen store of life, I’m a delicate serving platter with a big ole chip, sitting on a bottom shelf in the back of the building marked for clearance.  I sometimes wonder if I declare a lesser value of my heart, or life, or potential because of what was, and more specifically, what wasn’t.  I know it’s not true.  I know that I’m enough, and valuable, and worthy, and that it’s just silly for me to think anything different.  But I want to blame you for the chip.  I want to say it’s your fault.  I want to say you dropped me, and therefore, I’m no longer perfect.  But if I wasn’t so damn delicate, I never would have gotten chipped in the first place.

I don’t hate you.  Even though I try.  Even though I want to. Even though that’s wrong.

Often times, I thank you.  I find myself explaining my story to a new friend, or someone who wants to know more about my experience with a broken engagement and a broken heart, and I say, so often, “I am so thankful that he had the courage.”  I mean it, too.  Because I can not even begin to imagine how miserable I would be if we were married.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself what it felt like back then and what it feels like now.  I have felt such freedom in.  I’ve broken out of a coffin I had found myself in for a variety of reasons.  I feel like I learned how to breathe for the first time in a long time and that I am finally me again.  My burial was not your fault, this I am sure. And although you were the one to cut the ties binding me down, I refuse to give you credit for the life I lead now. 

Because the life I lead now has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with love.  In the last year I have learned what loving myself truly feels like.  I have learned what it is like to put myself first, in order to grow in care and kindness of others.  I have experienced a deepening of my heart, and a blossoming of self awareness and self esteem. 

So, although I often try to hate you but can’t, I must remind myself that not only should I refuse to blame you, but perhaps I shouldn’t thank you either.  You do not deserve hatred, this I know.  But what I also know is that I deserve some credit, too.  I deserve to be seen as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  The delicateness, the strength, the chip; the full price and the discount.

The hatred, slowly, steadily, begins to melt.  The hatred and the hope of hatred.  Melts, melts, melts.

..one last time...

i haven't  written in here for a long time...

maybe because a lot of things happened ..it became really overwhelming for me...

i thought he was different from any other man, maybe when I made a choice I felt he was different...FELT...that was my  mistake back then..i relied on my feelings..not on what was right.he went on and gave me so much attention and expressed so much love in so many ways.made so many promises because he was happy..i always thought maybe he was happy because of me but later on i did realized he was happy with the events not with the person..

i made a choice not be trampled and step on..i made a choice to turn my back and bring out the best in me despite the situation..i made a choice to wait for everything to transpire on its own time..my principle at that time up until now was "everything has a season, this season is maybe not for us..."

he had a girlfriend again..maybe i was bit over analyzing the situation but the good thing about this was my mind is working not my feelings..i was able to discern for myself that he wasn't right for me..he doesn't deserve me he was brave enough to face the truth he can't handle it..looking at the pace of his relationship now and how strong they were..I was looking at myself..it like a mirror..we may be different persons but I was looking at me almost a year ago..we don't look alike but the manner of how he deal with his relationship now it seemed like a continuation of what we have...

a part of me raises the question "how come you moved on so fast at that rate and that depth?" ..maybe  a part of me felt i dont want to look at him maybe a year fr now the same way he looked at me when knika left him..because looking at his relationship now i felt something was wrong..but i choose not to say anything..

in both our lives there are no mistakes only decisions..if its wrong to choose myself in the process then I am  guilty for that...i dont want to relieve the moments or justify each of his actions because right here in my life i felt everything is as it should be..

if this would help him get over me so be it..if this will make him a better man so let it..if this will make his dreams come true, good for him..if this would allow him to let me go then fine..

because i realised something i served a purpose in his life..if he will not make this on his own that purpose will be left in vain

Thy Heart is Fixed

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.” Wizard of Oz

Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be.” – Julianne, My Best Friend’s Wedding

“The one who loves, waits.” – Love At Large

 start of 2012

It’s funny when you think about how life works sometimes. The things you dread and try to avoid the most are the things that do happen, and when least expected. You encounter people you don’t want to encounter; you get into situations where you don’t want to get yourself into. Oh, the irony of it all! But a lot can change over time. A year or so ago would have me unprepared for something like this. Maybe it would get me into another roller-coaster ride of emotions, and maybe I’d be more broken. But I have grown wiser since then. I’ve changed. The words I want to use are cautious, reflective, and fixed. My heart is fixed. I know what I want and I know what I must do.

I wound up my affairs this start of the year and went for a bang. I had a mother of all closure talks with a former flame, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, collected myself, burned memories, made a covenant, and left. That was the pattern I followed and looking back, it was good. I settled the important issues and opened myself up to pruning. I took out the things I don’t need and the people who are better off without me. And I put no drama there. I honestly believe it’s better for certain people to leave, even if it had to be me. If, after a painful and very stretching ordeal to make things work, they still don’t, then leave. There is no sense in staying. There is no sense in prolonging. And as for heartbreaks? Life is too short to be hung up on a heartbreak that has already served its purpose. I go by that principle now. And I also back it up with one of my favorite verses in the bible, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1  To me, and I know to you, our season’s over.

I posted these three quotes from movies I’ve watched before because at certain moments in my life, they were, and are, true. At this point, my heart is being made practical. I no longer want to relive painful memories that are best left forgotten because it isn’t practical for somebody needing and wanting to move on. I’m past that stage. I’ve moved on. I’m also the person who woke up and realized that yes, the world is just as it should be between us. It’s better we are this way for all the reasons we talked about last December.  After you left, I had this longing I’ve never had before, and I guess the that year  with you exhausted that. I was drained emotionally. I realize then that this is the perfect time to recharge and refocus on things that are necessary. Finally, after all the heartbreaks and after all the tears, I am still the person who waits. But not on you.

My heart is fixed. I’m not unsettled. A year ago I would not have been prepared to face this situation, encounter you. But I’ve changed since then. I know what I want and I know what I must do. My heart waits on the Lord, and because it does, your coming over doesn’t unsettle me. Not anymore.

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. - Psalm 57:7