have U ever

have you ever tried to do your best in something,
and ended up with something completely wrong?

have you ever tried to be honest with yourself,
but ended up lying to yourself?

have you ever tried to never compare to anyone else,
but realized you've done the complete opposite?

have you ever looked up to someone,
and thought about how you wished to be like them?

and at the very least...

have you ever admired someone to the point,
you realized you are just a number?

think twice about who you admire..
most chances are they don't give a damn about how you feel.

lady speaks no more

lady speaks no more

Friday, Oct 26, 2007

Therefore the lover speaks no more
The silent lady knocking at his door
He is frightened from the lady knocking at his door-

Dreaming of the girl he onced dreamed of
he says to himself ''why is the lady knocking at my door?''

Sitting lonely did the lover
Silently gasping ''why is the lady knocking at my door?''

All of a sudden he hears a flutter, knocking at his door-
A mystery it was to the lover
Then the lady muttered ''why am i tapping,knocking,rapping at the lover's door?''

The silent lady will then speak, nevermore.

It doesn't really work..loving too much, doesn't really work for me..a side of me was saying " i wish i wasn't inlove with him"...another just silently claims " its high time you admit to yourself, your damn in love..hard...too hard."

..InSide...

I am writing this for a very much missed person..this time I want so much to SCREAM..but I choose to be heard but by his ears but his heart...

I’m yearning for something I can’t have,
Trying to buy something that can’t be put in my hands,
Feel like I’m lending something I can’t get back,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

I’m fighting a match I know I can’t win,
But I’ll keep hoping that you’ll give in,
Feel like I’m planning something I can’t begin,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

I’m up against something that shakes me up,
Staring down the infinitely dark side of love,
Feel like giving it my all would never be enough,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me,

It doesn’t have to be so hard,
But it tends to be with all my scars,

I’m creating a disaster that can’t be solved,
But I just can’t help but to get involved,
Feel like my weakness will never evolve,

Inside I scream,
For you to be with me…

RUNAWAY DAY

i miss writing...it's solitary for me..i woke this morning with a song from faye blanche "run away"..its about treating yourself as yer most significant persona in your life...i felt trashed & wasted..no amount of words could quite express it..but i am getting by..NOT my " getting by" approach before..i just realized that i should stop from walking away from all the people who love me & stop hiding from my own frailties...i can't undone those things..now, i just wish that i wouldn't have hurt those people who love me immensely..i felt like i was this big bulk of baggage from other people's life..i just wish they could stop hurting for me..life is indeed full of complexities...u have to get hurt to learn how to truly love...to fail for you to re-learn your lesson..i am getting by..and it feels gud to face my own realities eventhough not all of my realities are the good ones..

No space to breathe

Decisions... Decisions... Decisions....
Well, as the subject title suggests... I am at a point right now where I absolutely have to make a decision... no space to breathe...just decide..

For 5 years... Well minus the long & short months we've broke up..dozen of times..it's not really 5... It has been David, through thick & thin..it was always been her..highs & tides, never pulled out my sleeves & gave up... I didn't think it was possible... But, it has indeed been that long...

However, over this past year, I really thought I would be saying goodbye to her...But never done that..I thought I would give her chance..we both deserve it..but I was not happy anymore, tried my best to revived the relationship & gave her the benefit of the doubt that she changed..but my feelings were soiled..I feel the "companionship" but being in love was not there anymore.

Every time I try to face her & utter the words...such a drag, one unfortunate thing to another...problems, her feelings of not being worth it..she can't stand her life & hated it..I was feeling guilty to even have the face to feel that way.

I didn't know I deserve to be happy with the opposite sex..I seem oblivious about men..don't have negative vibe against them but I've always thought no MAN could get to me..Never planned for this..I was actually praying theother...i need to be away & unchain myself from all of these.I was actually talking to a friend when he gave me that PM..well rest was history.

Obviously, since at the present moment I am talking about decisions, that didn't happen... I feel awful about it, and yet - awkward... ...

To tell David that we are over...

I do love him... And I know in my heart, and in my very soul... I always will... But, he and I are just not meant to be together like how he wants it...


There is also the matter of Ronald... And how much I love him... in juz a short time..And how much I truly think he and I could work it out just great....I know we would work out...

With David, he's just too confined... She needs to learn to let things go... And live Life - just live it... Don't beat it to deaf if it doesn't go as planned... Moments are too precious for that...

Oi vey... This is just so heart-wrenching... Especially since I have thought about telling them both goodbye... I can't have both worlds..though life is unfair but I don't want to be a part of it...so decisions...decisions...decisions...

David - it will utterly shatter her...
Ronald - I think he could survive it...

Me? Hah... I just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone at all... I would much rather destroy myself than harm the ones I love and care about in my Life...

Right now... The stress I am feeling from all of this, plus the school and the work... It's taking a toll on me.... Even though I am desperately trying to stay positive... But, still, I have a long way to go on that journey...

Just as I know the break up process will be long and hard... Since David and I have such a loooong and such a tight bond.... It really hurts - soooo much... I sunk down to the shower floor earlier this evening... bawling... I just hope none of my floormates heard me... I've been bottling this stuff up inside me for much too long... I know the consequences..but what can I do?there is no easy way. I don't want to hold back again & wait another gud tym..well in fact there isn't a good time for hurting someone right?I pangs to my core...
.

I do want to say goodbye...

However, I want the absolute best for her... And, well, frankly... I'm not... We really are too different... And she wants specific things in a relationship... that I just don't possess... It always ticking I can't go on with her dreams..what about mine?

I - gosh!... I have rambled enough... for now... gee... I wish there was an easier way... But, someone or someones are going to get hurt... I just hope I can do it delicately... so that no bitterness comes of it... i'm so sorry, 'dy... I wish I could be everything you want... But, I'm not.. Nor will I ever be... i'm just me...in the end..It's juz all ME...

breaking silence

Thursday, Aug 24, 2006

Here I go again...
tryin' to find the words
I fail to say before....


I miss writing to these blog...I am feeling the desperate to freak out & shout so loud right no..so many things are getting through my head...I can't begin where & to whom....

I have realized.."Kaya ko naman pala eh..." that was the sad part, i am learning not to keep missing the person as i used to..

before, i am totally confident & sure where would these feelings lead to..but now...i am contented...AS ALMOST AS..

I have so many things to do...i can't keep on letting those tears fall, i am afraid...i am so HOLLOW

I have to pick the peices where I have left them & start...I can't now...but I have to..in time...

Life is really a paradox...you can't always have what you delicately keep...eventhough you tried...eventhough it was worth it...


The thing that really stuck in my throat was...again I AM ALONE...i am free but yet in solitude...i would risk to be caged but yet much happier in the inside than setting myself free...adrift...nowhere to go..have nothing to feel

Confession

August 19 kme naghiwalay….nung una di niya sinasabi ang totoo..nagtatago…being hard headed that I am…I pursued her to tell me the truth why he has to break up with me….lam mo yun sabihin ba naman sau…WAG MO KO MAHALIN MAY IBA NA AKO….sarap sabihin na LAM KO….DI AKO TANGA!!!!pero di ko lam bakit d ko pa din sinabi….evrytime na lang pinipilit ko bakit ba ganun….ang dami kong tanung…ang daming laman ng didib ko di ko malabas…di ko masumbat ang mga ito sa kanya:

1) Bakit nagawa mo ito sa akin…sinaktan ba kita
2) Bakit nagagawang mong maging masaya samantalang ako di mo alam nagdudusa ako
3) Bakit siya…ano bang ngawa niya…ano bang naibigay niya…para saktan mo ako ng ganito…
4) Kung gusto mo pala ng iba…bakit di ka nagsasalita…di yang tinatarando mo ako.
5) Am I enough…kung nag neglect man ako sa needs mo..DI MO LAM NA KAW DIN
6) HOW DARE YOU TO DUMP & TREAT ME AS IF I AM A TRASH…AFTER ALL THIS TIME!!!!

Marami akong naisip ng mga oras na yun…sino ba siya….
Bakit… kaya niya ba ang ginawa ko….
Bakit… pinapawi niya ba ang mga takot mo sa kawalan…
siya ba ang nagbibigay ng puwang sa kakulangan ng mundo sau…
bakit… nagagawa ba niyang manahimik para ibigay lang ang katahimikan inaasam mo….
Bakit… hinuhuli ba niya ang sarili niya para tugunan ang mga kailangan mo…

Nandyan ba siya sa bawat pagluha m…
Sa bawat pagtawa…
Sa pagkadapa mo ng paulit ulit

Bakit… hinagkan ka ba niya at sinabing…walang hanggan kang mamahalin
Kung gayon man…napatunayan ba ng matatamis niyang dila ang lahat na dapat ako ang gumagawa….

Sa kanya ba umiiikot ng mundo mo o pinaiikot ka niya sa kanyang mundo…
Siya ba ay di nakakatiis makta kang malungkot o tinitiis niya ang kalungkutan para maging masaya k….
Siya ba ang yumayakap sa buong pagkatao mo o binabago niya ang sarili mo…

Hinahagkan ka ba niya sa bawat pagluha mo o ginigising ka ba niya sa katotohanan may dahilan upang maging masaya….

Pag nadadapa ka ba…siya ba ay tumutulong kang itayo…o pinapabayaan ka upang tumayo ka sa sarili mong paa…

Sa mga panahon ng masaya ka…siya ba ay nakikisaya sau o binibigay niya ang karapatan na kaw naman ang maging masaya..

In times of triumph…does she congratulates u…or does she says its no reason to celebrate coz theres more to come…

In times wen yer alone..does she accompany you or does she pray so you cold never be alone…

In times of pain does she pained with you or she keeps herself strong so u could share yer pain…

Is she witty…is she great…exciting…maybe she makes you feel great…makes you feel proud…

BUT WHERE AM I IN ALL THESE…DID U HEARD ME CRIED…REFUTE…RESENT…DID U FELT HOW MUCH IT PAINED TO KNOW THAT I COULDN’T MAKE YOU HAPPY ANYMORE…

Pero ano ba ang batayan ng kaligayahan…. Yung tipong tumtawa ka ngaun…o yung tipong alam mong marami ka pang dahilan upang tumawa…

ANO BA ANG BATAYAN NG PAGMAMAHAL…

Dahil ba masarap siyang kasama…masyang kaulayaw…
Dahil binibigyan ka ng inspirasyon…
Dahil nandyan lang ba siya lagi…

Paano kung di iyan pagmamahal..sasayangin mo ang lahat…
Sasayangin mo AKO…

Di mo ba lubusang maintindihan…di lang kaw ang nangungulila…
Nanlalamig..nasasaktan…nahihirapan…

Pero ni minsan di ko ginawa ang ginagawa mo….
Ni minsan di kita kayang saktan ng ganyan…

Hanggang kailan mo ako patuloy na sasaktan upang malaman lang sa banding huli ako ang tunay mong mahal…

Kung pwede lang sana di ito nangyari…kung kahit papaano..inintindi mo ako..kahit saglit lang….

PERO HINDI…NAGING DUWAG KA SA MGA PANAHON KAILANGAN KO NA MAGING MATAPANG KA…PANAHON NA DAPAT KAW NAMAN NAGING MATIBAY…SA PANAHON NA MAS KAILANGAN KITA..

NAGING ISA KANG MALAKING HIBANG…SA MGA PANAHON NA TILA DI MO KO KILALA…SA MGA PANAHON HALOS KAMUHIAN MO ANG TAONG MINSAN NAGING SENTRO NG MUNDO MO…

NAGING MAHINA KA…SA MGA PANAHON NA DAPAT KAW ANG NAG AALALAY SA AKIN..NAG PRO2TEKTA SA AKIN..PERO NASAAN KA..KAPILING ANG IBA…NGAUN LANG DUMATING…NGAUN LANG NAGBIGAY NG PUWANG SA BUHAY M…

PERO NASAN KA NGAUN…

NASAAN AKO…

NASAAN SIYA…

WAG MO SA AKEN SASABIHIN NA IWAN KITA…WAG MONG IPILIT ANG ISANG BAGAY NA KAILANMAN DI KO KAYANG GAWIN…

LAM KONG ALAM MO…DESPITE EVERYTHING…NANDITO AKO…NANDITO KA…YER ALWAYS GONNA COME BACK WER YER HEART TRULY BELONGS…NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF MISTAKE OR MISHAP HAPPENED…

ANDITO AKO….TANGA KA…YAN ANG ISANG BAGAY NA U TOOK FOR GRANTED…KUNG GAANO KITA KAMAHAL….