am i trying too hard in hating you?

i wish i could hate you...
sometimes i try but it doesn't work..


i want to hate you for things you promised that you failed to do..i want to hate  because of what you did..i want to hate you for the things you didn't do..i want to hate your the things you made me feel and that is still do, on occasion.i want to hate you because it should be easy to hate you, and that perhaps hating you would take away some of my doubt.  i want to hate you because people always seem a bit surprised that I don’t hate you, which makes me feel like I should hate you.

but I don’t.  sometimes I try, but I can’t. and all that happens is I start to hate myself for the lack of being able to hate you. 

i want to hate you when I hear from you or about you.  it’s completely irrational.  i want to hate you because you are being mature, and respecting me, my feelings, and my life.  i want to hate you because it took you so long to learn how to respect me.   a year apart has caused you to be the bigger man. And I want to hate you. 

But I don’t. Instead I defend you. I protect you. I think about you. And, once in a while, I miss you, too. I especially hate that.

I don’t miss you as a significant part of my romantic life, but sometimes I miss you for your friendship. It’s completely selfish, and I am aware of this, and even okay with it, too.  I miss the way you knew me, and that we had enough history that you knew what I needed and when I needed it. Encouragement, and comfort, and motivation to get my ass in gear.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

The funny thing is, “I believe” that hate is never right, and love is never wrong. Lovewins, I say.  Lovewins, I write in blog posts, and display on my refrigerator, and contemplate tattooing on my wrist. Yet I find myself wanting to hate you.  It’s complex and confusing and  I wish I had some answers to the questions I keep asking, but they never seem to come.  Apparently, all I can do is be patient and wait for the healing and the answers to make their way into my heart, or at least until I begin to understand that the answers may never come. 

I hate that they may never come.  I hate that I know I shouldn’t blame you. 

I don’t hate you, and I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t help but feel damaged.  In the great kitchen store of life, I’m a delicate serving platter with a big ole chip, sitting on a bottom shelf in the back of the building marked for clearance.  I sometimes wonder if I declare a lesser value of my heart, or life, or potential because of what was, and more specifically, what wasn’t.  I know it’s not true.  I know that I’m enough, and valuable, and worthy, and that it’s just silly for me to think anything different.  But I want to blame you for the chip.  I want to say it’s your fault.  I want to say you dropped me, and therefore, I’m no longer perfect.  But if I wasn’t so damn delicate, I never would have gotten chipped in the first place.

I don’t hate you.  Even though I try.  Even though I want to. Even though that’s wrong.

Often times, I thank you.  I find myself explaining my story to a new friend, or someone who wants to know more about my experience with a broken engagement and a broken heart, and I say, so often, “I am so thankful that he had the courage.”  I mean it, too.  Because I can not even begin to imagine how miserable I would be if we were married.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself what it felt like back then and what it feels like now.  I have felt such freedom in.  I’ve broken out of a coffin I had found myself in for a variety of reasons.  I feel like I learned how to breathe for the first time in a long time and that I am finally me again.  My burial was not your fault, this I am sure. And although you were the one to cut the ties binding me down, I refuse to give you credit for the life I lead now. 

Because the life I lead now has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with love.  In the last year I have learned what loving myself truly feels like.  I have learned what it is like to put myself first, in order to grow in care and kindness of others.  I have experienced a deepening of my heart, and a blossoming of self awareness and self esteem. 

So, although I often try to hate you but can’t, I must remind myself that not only should I refuse to blame you, but perhaps I shouldn’t thank you either.  You do not deserve hatred, this I know.  But what I also know is that I deserve some credit, too.  I deserve to be seen as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  The delicateness, the strength, the chip; the full price and the discount.

The hatred, slowly, steadily, begins to melt.  The hatred and the hope of hatred.  Melts, melts, melts.

..one last time...

i haven't  written in here for a long time...

maybe because a lot of things happened ..it became really overwhelming for me...

i thought he was different from any other man, maybe when I made a choice I felt he was different...FELT...that was my  mistake back then..i relied on my feelings..not on what was right.he went on and gave me so much attention and expressed so much love in so many ways.made so many promises because he was happy..i always thought maybe he was happy because of me but later on i did realized he was happy with the events not with the person..

i made a choice not be trampled and step on..i made a choice to turn my back and bring out the best in me despite the situation..i made a choice to wait for everything to transpire on its own time..my principle at that time up until now was "everything has a season, this season is maybe not for us..."

he had a girlfriend again..maybe i was bit over analyzing the situation but the good thing about this was my mind is working not my feelings..i was able to discern for myself that he wasn't right for me..he doesn't deserve me he was brave enough to face the truth he can't handle it..looking at the pace of his relationship now and how strong they were..I was looking at myself..it like a mirror..we may be different persons but I was looking at me almost a year ago..we don't look alike but the manner of how he deal with his relationship now it seemed like a continuation of what we have...

a part of me raises the question "how come you moved on so fast at that rate and that depth?" ..maybe  a part of me felt i dont want to look at him maybe a year fr now the same way he looked at me when knika left him..because looking at his relationship now i felt something was wrong..but i choose not to say anything..

in both our lives there are no mistakes only decisions..if its wrong to choose myself in the process then I am  guilty for that...i dont want to relieve the moments or justify each of his actions because right here in my life i felt everything is as it should be..

if this would help him get over me so be it..if this will make him a better man so let it..if this will make his dreams come true, good for him..if this would allow him to let me go then fine..

because i realised something i served a purpose in his life..if he will not make this on his own that purpose will be left in vain

Thy Heart is Fixed

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.” Wizard of Oz

Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be.” – Julianne, My Best Friend’s Wedding

“The one who loves, waits.” – Love At Large

 start of 2012

It’s funny when you think about how life works sometimes. The things you dread and try to avoid the most are the things that do happen, and when least expected. You encounter people you don’t want to encounter; you get into situations where you don’t want to get yourself into. Oh, the irony of it all! But a lot can change over time. A year or so ago would have me unprepared for something like this. Maybe it would get me into another roller-coaster ride of emotions, and maybe I’d be more broken. But I have grown wiser since then. I’ve changed. The words I want to use are cautious, reflective, and fixed. My heart is fixed. I know what I want and I know what I must do.

I wound up my affairs this start of the year and went for a bang. I had a mother of all closure talks with a former flame, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, collected myself, burned memories, made a covenant, and left. That was the pattern I followed and looking back, it was good. I settled the important issues and opened myself up to pruning. I took out the things I don’t need and the people who are better off without me. And I put no drama there. I honestly believe it’s better for certain people to leave, even if it had to be me. If, after a painful and very stretching ordeal to make things work, they still don’t, then leave. There is no sense in staying. There is no sense in prolonging. And as for heartbreaks? Life is too short to be hung up on a heartbreak that has already served its purpose. I go by that principle now. And I also back it up with one of my favorite verses in the bible, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1  To me, and I know to you, our season’s over.

I posted these three quotes from movies I’ve watched before because at certain moments in my life, they were, and are, true. At this point, my heart is being made practical. I no longer want to relive painful memories that are best left forgotten because it isn’t practical for somebody needing and wanting to move on. I’m past that stage. I’ve moved on. I’m also the person who woke up and realized that yes, the world is just as it should be between us. It’s better we are this way for all the reasons we talked about last December.  After you left, I had this longing I’ve never had before, and I guess the that year  with you exhausted that. I was drained emotionally. I realize then that this is the perfect time to recharge and refocus on things that are necessary. Finally, after all the heartbreaks and after all the tears, I am still the person who waits. But not on you.

My heart is fixed. I’m not unsettled. A year ago I would not have been prepared to face this situation, encounter you. But I’ve changed since then. I know what I want and I know what I must do. My heart waits on the Lord, and because it does, your coming over doesn’t unsettle me. Not anymore.

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. - Psalm 57:7

FIRST DAY!!!!

Ladies and gents!First day of work, tons of fun so far. As usual, the same old intro thing but the best part was meeting new friends=)I was so happy. I noticed their trainers when I look at them, I say to myself I am better than that person. Hmmmm..staying would be nice and revving up the ladders would be far better.

We spent the day touring the site, I really love the ambiance it was so Filipino. And there was country style inside=). I ate blueberry doughnut and cinnamon bread for lunch which costs 15 pesos each. Great buy right! And I was full already, I think I could make it the 100 bucks per day would do great for me.

And the BIG plus!he texted me today!He was actually making a follow up if I was ok and I was relieved from whatever that ills me. It was thoughtful of him. Just as I replied he was online on FB so I talked to him directly there was no reason not too. I said I was ok, stuff like that and he was just usual friend thing. I notice that when I was the one who initiate the contact I don't feel valued at all. So i will let him text me this time, and he is GOING HOME IN DEC 10. So that will be a countdown for me!!!!

I have to save more and look my best until he comes home either we see each other or not I am truly happy he is home at least. It relieves you to thinking how was he an what he's doing. The experience really taught me value of patience and control. I happy I have gone through this flawlessly and we are ok in terms of talking.A little bit of awkward but let's see what will happen next.=)

Pump out my Juice:

I learned to embrace each moment of my life as a blessing and felt gratified ten folds more. Things come and redeem itself in wonderful packages and I am exuberant to let those unfold on its own time.

Be Bold or Italic..Never Regular

Do you want to play it safe?

“Research on the attributes that we associate with “being feminine” tells us that the most important qualities for women are: thin, nice, pretty. If you want to play it totally safe, you have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible. “ -Brene Brown

I do not want to live my life playing it safe.  I don’t want to rest in conventional, content to rush about in a daze, checking errands off my to do list, putting in facetime where required, doing all the things expected of me.

Getting by, by giving up on life, is not my style.

Ladies, safe is not the new black.  I don’t want you to play it safe.

When we get too used to playing it safe–being small, quiet and attractive–we forget what it’s like to be out in the world, unencumbered and earnest.  We forget what it’s like to beat on our chest with a Tarzan yell and declare, “Today’s the day to break the rules!  To climb trees, write a poem, eat cherries, to live today as if it’s all I’ve got!”

To play  safe requires us to forget that we are overflowing with a unique life force.  Overflowing with dreams, and hopes, and an incredible capacity to love. It requires us to make our adventures and goals fit within society’s ruler of acceptable.

Playing safe takes away our opportunity to carve our place in the world. There’s a cosmic space that belongs only to us– it’s our unique contribution to the world– and safe doesn’t allow us to paint it with rainbows, to sing at the top of our lungs, to make millions in the service of others, to dance naked, or to take pride in our quirks.

Safe keeps those differences, those shimmering contributions, from ever emerging.

Safe makes us afraid to be big, bold, and unique.  Safe makes us forget what that would even look like.

Which leads me to this…

How Not To Play It Safe

We are a generation of educated, gutsy women who are capable of so many incredible contributions (from raising amazing children to creating art, from making a difference in our communities to starting businesses, from exploring the world to inspiring others) yet we spend so much of our energy on our outer appearance.

We don’t feel good enough unless we “look good enough.” And “looking good” requires being thin, stylish, pretty, and pulled together.  All of the time.  And seemingly without effort.

Reality check?  This is impossible.

Stop letting your outer appearance dictate how your feel about yourself, your life.  Stop striving for thin as if it’s the answer to everything.  Stop trying to fit in with whatever pretty happens to equal this year.

Be Big.  Be Unique.  Be YOU.

Strive for healthy, for strong, for capable. Love your body by fueling it properly and moving it and adorning it with fashion you love.   Celebrate your unique beauty, the bloodlines that connect you to each and every gorgeous woman in your family.

Deck yourself in sequins, in pinstriped suits, in cowboy boots, in sundresses, in rock tee-shirts—whatever it is that tickles your fancy. Dress for the woman you are, not the one you’re pretending to be.

Honor your reality.  

Practice loving you, as is.

As far as being nice goes…  I’m all for kind, for loving, for rose-colored glasses and solving problems with honey.  But when nice starts equaling quiet, safe, small—it’s time to break out the bold.

You’re a woman.  You’ve got an opinion, a unique take on the world.  Make sure it’s heard.

Don’t play it safe.

You’re hurting yourself and those around you by agreeing with something that makes you want to pull your hair out.  You’re disrespecting yourself by constantly grinning and bearing it.  You’re giving up your power by biting your tongue.

There’s a time to be nice.  There’s a time to get your sass on.  There’s time to stand up for yourself no matter what the cost.  There’s even a time to pull the bitch card.

Don’t be afraid.  Be Bold.

Parting Words?

You are a woman, thin or thick, small or big.  You are a woman, pretty or unusual, attractive or unique.  You are a woman, nice or sassy, quiet or bold.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, ladies, don’t play it safe.

This is your life.  Live it with all the guts, glory, and bravado you can muster.

Dive in.  Make it Count.

And don’t worry–you’re not alone.  I promise you, I’m doing the same.

TRUE love has its own time

I am overwhelmed with love today... I just finished watching "A Millionaire's First Love" it was so touching. How often we take for granted the love other people shares with us. Maybe tomorrow it will not be the same or neither tomorrow no one will say I love you back. So sad for the movie but I love the guy because he is willing to sacrifice everything for the girl. How lucky of her to have found someone like him,who would push life's boundaries and jump in the fire just to be with her even in the long run it will hurt and crush him We often fear of getting hurt but I always tell myself that feeling the hurt is an actual affirmation that you really loved the person to begin with. But I am anticipating that kind of love would find me in the end. I am excited because I know there is a lot in me to give and that kind love will never get me scared anymore.:) I am delighted to have known love and feel love like this. I know in my heart my SOMEDAY would turn into REALITY.

watch " A millionaire's first love" here.

Pump out my Juice:

I have learned to fall in love with GOD is to fall in love with self. When there is much love for self you don't care about other people if they will give it back or not.

Orientation day!

We had our pre-orientation today, I arrived 1 hr and half early on the site. But the waiting time extended 30 minutes more. We had talks from quality, training and operations. Seeing my wave mates and looking around because I was a pretty contender.hahah! WHAT A CONFIDENCE! Anyway I will change who am I and be perky as ever. Hmmmm… I think I am the most attractive in the bunch.=)I guess! Anyway excited about Monday since it was the first day and I am always 6-2 shift! love it! I just need to fasten my wallet a bit. Since I really need to save and watch my expenses. I gained new friends which I love so far, everything was relaxed and the site has a good environment. I just hope the people are too.
I was busy with working so that was pretty good for me and an achievement coz I think of him less now. What more after 3 months more, I may not recognize myself anymore. Hahaha! One rule to follow: do not date people at work because it will only create chaos. I am pretty happy and I know I am getting pretty by it. I should have an action plan with my diet and exercise. I still don’t have a period and that gets me worried because I don’t want to go back in therapy I will try to drink it up with few medications. I am so excited with work I just do hope no setbacks would come. I know training process will be hard because we will be like sponges but nothing is hard with GOD and he will pave the way for me.=)