What to do while waiting for your Ever After?

HAPPY NEW YEAR/ GONG XI FA CAI!


It's been almost year since I wrote on my blog and I haven't updated you of my whereabouts during that time. I was doing a little bit of soul searching and NOW I am back in the game. I got lots of ideas to write and things to share. I am soooo excited!!!  Since yesterday was the start of the year 2014 (according to Chinese calendar:) and this day is the first of the love month, it's befitting for me to write about the most favorite topic in the world- LOVE.

I have shied away from dating for at least 2 and half years now but it doesn't mean I have stopped hoping for the love ever after. I am a self confessed hopeless romantic and my thousand romance books would be the clear proof of that. I love the happy endings on those books since I haven't had my own happy ending yet. But instead of looking for it and taking actions on my own: I chose to wait for my own version.

What do I do while waiting? Honestly, that is the biggest challenge versus hopping from one date to another. I was in the moment of my life that I wouldn't like to waste my time in trying to figure out if the guy fits in my life. For me if the person is meant to be in my life, I wouldn't have seconds thoughts about him and the relationship that we have. Since I choose to do the hard part; below are the things I am doing while waiting:

1. The sweetest love that you could receive in your life is the LOVE that you could give to yourself. - Before I was a huge people pleaser, I did everything for other people while putting aside myself. I thought then that was love but in my process of waiting I have learned- it was exactly the opposite. I can't give away LOVE to other people if I don't have love for myself. I can't give away emotions if I don't possess it in the first place. I was critical, uptight, controlling, unforgiving  and cynical with my own mistakes. In my waiting I have seen that just like others I am capable of making mistakes and it's okay to have a malleable eraser handy just in case people around me wouldn't accept that I am divinely imperfect.

2. Reconnect your relationships in chronological order: GOD, Yourself, Family, Friends - In my previous life (if I was even existent at that time), my order of relationship was this: Friends, Family, GOD, Myself. When I experienced my first heartache, I changed  the order: Family, Friends,GOD, Myself. Then series of heartache happened in my life that was wrecking havoc in my relationship to others and myself. I stopped the habit of picking right from a previous relationship and moving on right away to the next one. Whilst, I changed the order: GOD, Yourself, Family, Friends. Why do I say that you have to prioritize GOD first? I have thousand of things to share why but I know one valid thing that could sum it all: GOD is LOVE. Love itself doesn't exist if there's no GOD in it. He gave up his only son for you, for us:so our sins can be redeem. If that act alone doesn't show what genuine and unconditional love is for you; Man! truly you got to try do some soul searching. As stated in 1 John 4:7, Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

3. Get to know the real YOU. - Each person is unique and each unique quality is beautiful. In the course of my life, I have missed out on things I want & need to do. Its either I wasn't given the opportunity or I deliberately make a pass on it. It made me weary, anxious and empty. Its not enough to do the things that I was expected to do or things that will make me  feel okay or safe. I was enlightened that safe wasn't me, I dare myself to allot time. Yes! for most of us time means money but I have got to give a huge time to lick my wounds and grieve for what was lost. Spend a time to the things I need then the things I want. Lastly, I am in the process of challenging myself in conquering my fears. I have seen that I am very much capable to do things I want and triumph above it. I became a  freelance visual artist with that my emotional and mental processing works best if it was freely expressed visually. I was sensitive but strong and persistent; I can also graciously have way with words to express my frustrations with solid and vivid impact. I have yet seen that even I love chocolates, pistachio. cookies and cream for my ice cream; but through and through I am a vanilla ice cream kind of woman- sweet, warm, affectionate and indelible.

4. Have a positive outlook and be grateful in life.- The good thing about me is I am a positive person, even my blood proves so (B+= Be Positive). Its a big difference if you see life in  a positive way, things happen for you. It takes a lot of hard work though. In an advanced world such ours, where social network status dictate what you are as a person and measures what kind of success a person has.It is hard to stay positive but if you begin as simple as smiling towards other, being gracious on small act of kindness; it is not impossible. Instead of complaining of things that you don't have, whining of struggles that you currently experience; how about be grateful for simple things that you often took for granted such as the air you breath or the amount of water you drink. Think of others who don't have what you have and pray for them. Start eating foods that gives positive boost in your body (as I go along I will write about these healthy foods). Be active,I found out that running and doing yoga helps me to clear my mind. Don't be afraid in doing things that makes you feel loved and special. You don't need someone to show those emotions but rather all you need is yourself.

So far these 4 things is my basic foundation where I base my decisions when I am doing my waiting. At the end of the day, the measure of having your ever after is not on achieving it but on what you do on its process. Happy waiting everyone!!

Book Review: The Edge of Never by J.A. Redmerski

 The first installment of The Edge of Never series. The book description is courtesy of Goodreads her is the link 

Sometimes life takes you off course . . .

THE EDGE OF NEVER

Twenty-year-old Camryn Bennett thought she knew exactly where her life was going. But after a wild night at the hottest club in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina, she shocks everyone-including herself-when she decides to leave the only life she's ever known and set out on her own. Grabbing her purse and her cell phone, Camryn boards a Greyhound bus ready to find herself. Instead, she finds Andrew Parrish.

Sexy and exciting, Andrew lives life like there is no tomorrow. He persuades Camryn to do things she never thought she would and shows her how to give in to her deepest, most forbidden desires. Soon he becomes the center of her daring new life, pulling love and lust and emotion out of her in ways she never imagined possible. But there is more to Andrew than Camryn realizes. Will his secret push them inseparably together-or destroy them forever?

Book Verdict: Excellent

This is my first read on J. A. Redmerski''s writing and I have not any expectation while scuffing through the first pages. It was a bit slow for me at the start however when it takes a abrupt an quick turn of emotions for me. Redmerski has left me high & dry with my tears pouring out at 3 am in the morning. It was an emotional read for 
as I feel a deep connection with Camryn's character- her longing for solitude and balance in life. How many times have we been wishing that we can pull ourselves from the chaos called LIFE. I admire Camryn's take of courage in changing the background of her life. Andrew Parrish just blew me away, his way of living life at the fullest makes me wonder " What am I waiting for?"

"Everybody starts out as strangers."

 At the middle of the story I know that there was a catch but reading at the last pages when I was beginning to  relax  on the emotional attachment of the two characters, Redmerski just pulled out the plug and everything went black for me. I was crying and questions how unfair the world was I was glad that she didn't left cliffhanger ( at least my heart was warmed that there was a HEA for bot of them.) I won't give spoiler but four thumbs up I am anticipating for the The Edge of Always. I will definitely follow through. 

“Heart always wins out over the mind. The heart, although reckless and suicidal and a masochist all on its own, always gets its way.” 

I recommend this an will be listing this as one of my top read at the first quarter of 2013. If you would like a copy (I mean dying to have a COPY just email me I can spare another 2 for the lucky ones:)

For the first time in my life, I’ve felt whole, alive, free. You were the missing piece of my soul, the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins. I think that if past lives are real then we have been lovers in every single one of them. I’ve known you for a short time, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. 

10 things that my Pugs taught me about LIFE

1.  You can always resolve issues through eye contact. There are no better ways in resolving issues by looking to somebody's eyes. It is the window of the soul and expresses the truth rather listening what the tongue says.





2.  During a fight, no one is small or fragile; it always depend on how and to whom you should bark. Do not under estimate one's strength through its size but always weigh a person on what he says and how he says. A good surgeon may incise carefully & meticulously but a better surgeon  incise with precision and efficiency knowing that every minute counts and every action matters.

3. If in doubt, smell first. Do listen to your doubts, it is there for a reason but don't let it engulf you.

4. There is no better stress reliever than RUNNING, so RUN as fast as you can. Running through your stresses and emotional voids helps you to increae circulation thus producing more oxygen carrying blood cells in your body. Good oxygenation helps your body to function properly.

5. Don't let anyone stop you at anything especially if it makes you happy. Do not listen to nay-sayers and pessimist. It is not your problem if they have bad things to say, its theirs. Its not your attitude that is being measured but theirs in every word that they utter against you.

6. Be proud of who you are; so love the natural you, even your own smell. 't Our generation was the most lie to  because everything has been a commodity even personality has been commercialize as well. Everything has not been enough.."My skin is not light enough.." .." My hair is not straight enough.." " My weight is not enough.." " My height is not enough.."...even the word enough is not enough for everyone. Be proud of your skin.. be proud of your heritage, of your nose, of your eyes, of your weight. Nobody will be good enough for you except YOURSELF. Be PROUD of who you are.

7. Sleep soundly even snore loudly. You`re body needs rest as much as it needs nourishment. Remember to take enough 8 hour sleep, a well rested body is a well thinking mind. A well thinking mind is a well feeling heart.

8. Breathe easy as if there is no tomorrow. Breathe... remember to breathe even at hours of incessant pressure or purest amount of joy. Life is meant to be  breathe in not breathe out. In the present day, people work  for the sake of working, for the sake of necessity ( I'm not against this:) But people tend to forget to breathe that they don't  notice things around.. that beautiful things are happening everyday that they don't take time to look at it.  BREATHE is the cheapest thing one can buy for himself to live for the fullest.

9. Rejoice in every moment you have, even in simple ways as sitting.Every moment matters and there is no single day that corresponds as BORING in your life. Every moment is an opportunity to rejoice even as simple as sitting around the corner.

seen on my portfolio @ behance

10. Do not be afraid to love or care even it was not reciprocated. Remember, you have so much to give.Every person is a vessel of love despite the hurts and failures that we have encountered in life; we are still bounty in terms of giving love. Give away love and you will receive love hundred folds in return.


 

I have 4 female pugs & 2 male pugs at home. They are adorable dogs & not easy to take care of despite of their short hair.  They are a ball of energy in many ways I can't count but they are loving and fiercely loyal.  Their world lights up even in small attention but give loads of affection in return.

I.am.conflicted.

Easter signifies new beginnings for me.. out for the old and in for the NEW. I know that I have figure out my life and plotted an re-plotted my own course. I on't know if it was because of frustration but I took the RISK. For the first time in my life, I am afraid of the outcome of that risk.

I was implementing my plan B and re-plotting it again, For the heart of God, please give it down on me. I am conflicted an for the first time I felt entirely ME-the feeling ME. I don't know if I have to be grateful for that or worry that it may hinder my plotted course.

I am not comfortable in feeling conflicted.

Drowning the Cold

Set me free...leave me be...

There are things that you don't move on to...my "things" are you.
It is not the relationship that we used to have that I can't move on for; it is the aftermath when you have left me in the cold.

The cold still lingers, I still can feel the icy air creeps along the column of my spine. When my fragile strength dissipates, my hands gets clammy and shaky; my throat dries up and I heave my own breath.

It was the cold; trying to pull me back on its gravity. Set me free...leave me be...

I have been surviving and living at my most as much as I can. I opened my eyes and have seen sunshine countless of times. No doubt it I have lived my life the way I always wanted it.  I just wish the cold would stop coming, it always knocks me out when I am defenceless. It's keeping my heart the way it is now.

So that's the only thing I couldn't move on from.

I am learning to accept that cold is a part of who I am. In my steep breaths, I may struggle but I know I  never stopped breathing. When I am knocked down, I still hold my stance and resort to fighting position.

So the cold is my biological reminder to NEVER say "I can't do this anymore."

Playlist: Gravity by Sara Bareilles

My Turning Page

My first blog for the year 2013!!!yey! Good things to come indeed..I took the long hiatus in writing here. It was a tough time in my life and I felt that I don't have the energy to talk about my life here (talk about thoughts to ponder!o_0.

Since my Tagaytay experience last year, I have resigned from my boring job and tried my luck overseas. For me it was the right time to move to my great adventure. Being on the long hiatus helped me a lot to face my demons and harness my inner strength that I thought was destroyed. I know I have not achieve its peak but I know deep in my heart I am ON MY WAY!!-this time its my WAY and I know with God's guidance it's right.So I am happily waiting for my life to unfold.



Also, in addition for my first blog this year, this entry was also dedicated for our beloved dog- Tatay Ugok. He died at 12 noon today, his age was past 12 years old. I am currently making a memorial artwork for him so wait for my further posts. He was our dog since I was 17 yrs old. He was smart, robust, curious and full of life; fiercely loyal, compassionate and affectionate not only to us but to our entire neighbourhood of men and dogs. I will miss cuddling him and giving doggy back and forehead rubs.It was a great loss, I have to postpone my manuscript (yes!I have started my first novel with 3 chapters already) to give way in writing a short story for him. He was amongst the stars that will imprint in my body someday-my 3 lucky stars. I hope no more dying dogs.:(

I have learned the value of back rubs and nose kisses through my dog. No doubt about it, I have receive fierce loyalty and lots of breathy and tongue splashing kisses in exchange and in those moments my hearts is full an bursting. - Ann

DEAREST SOULMATE

Dearest soulmate,

It is silly to write to someone I don't know- literally, I still don't know you. Maybe we may have seen each other or passed each others lives or maybe I don't have the oppurtunity to know you yet. I have searched for you for several times but to no avail was not yet found. Somewhere in my life I have lost hope and settled for less than I deserve for the thought I was losing time. I am sorry my dearest, I was weak and in my time of my weakness the consequence was myself being destroyed. I am not saying these to blame you of my actions but I want you to understand where I have been.

I hope deep in my heart that you would recognise me despite my defensive walls- I hope that your heart would recognise my heart beating wildly and barely hanging for you. I hope you will not give up easily on me. I am sorry for the decision I might made to keep my heart protected and keep my soul safe but please I beg you to fight for me. I know I have much love to give and this vast space of emptiness will only be filled by you. So please fight for me..fill it, I would like to be full and bursting- only you have the capacity to do that.

I am also aware that in your life you may have been hurt somehow or have been feeling empty just like me. My heart bleeds that someone may have hurt you or you have been feeling empty all this time. I am sorry for taking shortcuts and detours; for making you wait. I am sorry for not coming right away to be there for you but I want you to know I have my entire lifetime to make up for it. I will make up for it in everyday and in every breath and in every being of my soul.

In every choices I make today, please know that I am making and paving my way to come to you. I am making all the possible lines to come and touch your hand and kiss your sorrows away..know that I have been envisioning how you would look like and feel like beside me...more steps honey.. liitle more and we will see and feel each other. Please wait...please fight for me and please stay with me. I know it will be all worth it. I am loving you more and more unfathomably each day. I have been living for you..see you very soon.

Loving you deeply,

ann

                                 Playlist: Turning Pages by Sleeping At Last