God's Scolding Moment

These past few weeks, i stomped my feet when I didnt have my way instead of humbly kneel in front of God..I whined and cried as loud as I can & asked "why again?"...I accused him for being mean nd insensitive that he doesn't have pity on me coz ,I've gone through so much..of all people "why me again?"I was angry and throwed rants at him "why me?why this?what do u want more out of me?" it was so draining that nothing was left inside of me anymore..then he quietly said "are you finished now?sit down with me and take a rest, be patient and you will see how I beautifully prepare your life... just like what u do with your paintings..u always start fr sketch nd never hold down your ideas..haven't you seen my work? though it is blurry but the pieces are together, it will be a masterpiece soon..u can now start to paint the way you want it ,on the time you want it with the people you like to part with..but for now lets sit down nd let see.."He extended his arms so many times for me to see I refused to do so coz I cant accept his new perspective but when he patiently sat down and listen to my rumbles and as I got tired of stomping my feet, i looked at his way..then everything went blank..i felt nothing anymore, no resentment, no pride, no anger, no hurt, no doubts and no fears..he have always wanted me to take a leap with his ideas, even from the start he have always wanted me to relieve whats inside my head thats been kicking me in the curb and inside my heart where I kept locking in the inside..when I start to see his way, everything looked different..every burden I have vanished just like that..it was as if there was nothing to begin with..i began to understand why?how?and what?I smiled and he said"so stop whining, I have given you so much and I know you can give so much as well..use it...do not be afraid for I am always here..just sit there, be silent and let me do the work, for the time will come you have to do yours..I know you can give so much more..I have prepared him for you as much as I have prepared you for him"..:)

the day he broke me

he broke me...

he did that by not talking for 4 days straight then a single  message in Facebook ...

he broke me and he broke us...

i can't explain anything, it felt like someone pull that trigger in my head..

i was yearning to clutch to any thing...my soul was looking for something to reach out to..

i had my phone in my hand which  both bought in Robinson's Manila..i called his mom..

i didn't know why of all persons she is the one i have to call  but my impulse was "call her"...

the phone was ringing and when she answered on the other line, all i can say was "--- nakipag--hiwalay-- po siya-- saken--" i don't know how i uttered those words, but my breath was shallow i have to take it down to syllables..then she asked me "bakit naman?"--my dreaded word "why?"   because in reality i don't know WHY?

this is my life..

i fell in love one time..

i got engaged..

we prepared the wedding...

he left for us but he promised to come back for us..

i trusted him even my heart say don't allow him to leave..

he was there and i was here...

we tried to make it work..

3 months later he called it off the wedding and he broke up with me..

then it was all broken...

of reasons i dont understand..of reason he refused to say..maybe he said it but i don't quite get it...maybe tomorrow i can digest his words..maybe weeks later he can think about it...you know my response to him "immediate shock, asking him whats wrong maybe we can fix it then i gave him the space that he needs..that was it..

does it make me a less of a person if i dont beat the crap out of him..if i stay still and be quiet..maybe we both need time..maybe THIS WAS NOT OUR TIME..