the day he broke me

he broke me...

he did that by not talking for 4 days straight then a single  message in Facebook ...

he broke me and he broke us...

i can't explain anything, it felt like someone pull that trigger in my head..

i was yearning to clutch to any thing...my soul was looking for something to reach out to..

i had my phone in my hand which  both bought in Robinson's Manila..i called his mom..

i didn't know why of all persons she is the one i have to call  but my impulse was "call her"...

the phone was ringing and when she answered on the other line, all i can say was "--- nakipag--hiwalay-- po siya-- saken--" i don't know how i uttered those words, but my breath was shallow i have to take it down to syllables..then she asked me "bakit naman?"--my dreaded word "why?"   because in reality i don't know WHY?

this is my life..

i fell in love one time..

i got engaged..

we prepared the wedding...

he left for us but he promised to come back for us..

i trusted him even my heart say don't allow him to leave..

he was there and i was here...

we tried to make it work..

3 months later he called it off the wedding and he broke up with me..

then it was all broken...

of reasons i dont understand..of reason he refused to say..maybe he said it but i don't quite get it...maybe tomorrow i can digest his words..maybe weeks later he can think about it...you know my response to him "immediate shock, asking him whats wrong maybe we can fix it then i gave him the space that he needs..that was it..

does it make me a less of a person if i dont beat the crap out of him..if i stay still and be quiet..maybe we both need time..maybe THIS WAS NOT OUR TIME..

sagot ko

Minsan di sapat na mahal mo ang isang tao,at alam mo na mahalaga ka para sa ka niya, kc bago ang lahat…. dapat alam mo ang pinagkaiba ng MAHAL sa MAHALAGA LANG..

minsan iniisip ko ano ba importante ung mahalaga sau o yung mahal m..panu mo masabi na mahal m kung di mahalaga sau..panu mo masbi na mahalaga siya sau kung hindi mo siya mahal..

Nkakaasar noh?kahit ilang beses ka pa mag tumbling..wala ka magawa ..aun at the end of evrything nadadamay ka pa din..minsan gusto ko na magsalita “bakit nakuha mo ako saktan at iwan? bkit nung iwan m ko hnyaan mo na masaktan ulit ako?”

sama..madalas magtatanung ka sa sarili m..”may nagawa ba ko para gawin nya to”..kpag sinagot nya “aku ang may mali di ikaw” ganun ba? kung kaw ang mali, bakit ako naman ang umiiyak, d ba mali mo to?

gusto mo magalit..yung sumigaw na napakalakas hanggang makawala ka pagkakatali na ginawa niya..kaso kapag siya na nagsalita, di mo na makuha magalit pa bagkus mas naiintindihan mo pa siya..at sa lahat ng hirap mo ang tanging maririnig mo sa kanya “salamat ha”..para sau ok ka na dun, buo na ang araw m..kaya mo na harapin ulit ang bukas..

Kapag may kelangan siya, andyan ka lagi nka-suporta, di ka nagsasawa sa mga hang ups nya..sa mga kakulangan niya..pero kapag ikaw nmn ang may kelangan sa kanya..isang beses lang… ang isasagot niya “di pwede, andito siya”…

san ka pa lulugar..eh di sa wala..sarili mo na lang ang kelangan m..maging masya ka na lang para sa sarili mo..kung san ka nadapa dun ka bumangon..pero may mga panahon na naging matagumpay ka sa isang bagay..gusto mo umikot sa tuwa..ililingon ang paningin mo at hahanapin ang mga mata niya at gusto mo hawakan ang mga kamay niya..pero nung nakita mo na, nakatingin na pala siya sa iba at hawak ng mahigpit ang kamay nia..

iiyak ka..oo nman, masakit eh..ganun talaga..luluha ka ng balde balde..pero sa bawat gabi na umiiyak ka, andun siya masaya sa piling ng iba, kayakap ang iba pero ikaw eto umiiyak ng nag iisa..

sa bawat hikbi mo, sinsambit mo “ok lang kaya ko to, basta importante masaya siya”….pano mo nakukuha ngumiti habang nasasaktan at umiiyak ka sa luob..paano mo nakukuha maging masaya para sa kaligayahan ng taong lubusang nakasakit sau..eh mahal mo siya, ano pa ba?

pero kahit ilang beses mo sambitin ang “mahal kita”..di ka niya papakinggan pa..kahit ilang beses ka na nandyan sa tabi niya di ka niya kelangan pa..sakit noh..pero ganun talaga mahal mo..if love is a decision why should one choose such an exquisite pain?…

tama na sau, amot ng oras..tama na naalala ka niya..kuntento ka na sa mga bagay na di niya naibibigay..di ka na humingi..nanahimik ka na lang..di ka na lang nag reklamo..khit may karapatan ka pa magsalita, nasaktan ka eh?..nanahimik ka na lang sa isang tabi, habang nakikita mo ang taong pinakamamahalmo mas pinili na magmahal ng iba..

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?


If I should die before I wake
It's cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air


I'm here alone didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand


But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe


Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon breathe without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air



I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
With no gravity to hold me down for real
But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't how but I don't even care


So how do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe


Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air..no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gone breathe without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
It's no air...no air

If the person doesn't really wanna be there for you...jus be there in his little time..he will not do that..I felt like i'm ticking off...so hard..no space to breathe..I don't really where it comes from..i miss him so much...felt like i was hanging alone all this time..hard but true..nd it's breaking me to pieces..it really does...felt like I was LOSING HIM without a fight..darn..impeccable things..darn with greedy time..y can't LOVE be good to me at least ONCE?!

do u

Do you know…? Do you know, What it feels like, Having tears running down your face, With no end, And you don’t know what to do? Do you know, What it feels like, Being completely helpless, Alone, With nobody to turn to? And do you know, What it feels like, Feeling hopeless, Unable to help in making the situation better, While drowning in your sorrow? Answer me these question, three little ones, To you they may mean nothing, but for me they are the world. For now in this here moment, I feel like I am drowning, drowning in my world of sorrow and feeling hopeless.

wow..feeling so damn bad..i'm not all that chipper all the time..cold..so ridiculously cold..i'm not the only dreamer in this word..so why be hard on us..life why should you be so hard for us?

it's too hot to handle..

well i have to write this in my own point view..need to remember this day...well fair enough for the heart's day..though it's over..

well what if someone just come to you and said with those lovingly eyes.." I don't know how can I make u mine? care to tell me.." wow..di ba...huh! juz need that little mpppfff to end that day.....a little spice they say..i was just astounded & went numb to my feet..my wits jus went..."what do u have say..say something dumb"..juz went blank..

ooohhh..i'm juz so hating what's happening right now..like every person I wanted to be with these past few days..is either out of the coverage area or unavailable..dammit..but there is this guy ...oh well he has these lines dat could make u melt...like 'it's ok, i understand...just let me love you..that's the only thing i want to do."..duh!the chocolate could melt..how could i not melt with that..its juz making u smile..well he find silly antics to make me smile..I'm not that very open to anyone but he's very makulit as in katulad ko na makulit..he said "don't think about anything juz be happy"..

well thank you ha!yer making me smile this past few days..and I know there is reason for everything..though I do have a bf..and i love him so much..but i'm happy met u

A choice with time...

"Time has no meaning in itself unless we choose to give it significance."

I choose my time to differ..some of us are enslaved with time though we are the ones who created it in the first place. I feel like my time is the only companion I have..so I have a good choice with time...well that's what I believe...we need to believe in something right? To keep us moving forward..I don't want to feel zipped by the moment..Gosh! hearts day..I'm a very hopeless romantic person..chocolates & flowers..standing in the rain..simple mushy stuff that makes your skin works its creeps..worth that smile..more importantly warms your heart..well I got a lot of that today..but I was missing something...ehem! I stand corrected that would be "I am missing someone.."I felt like my world just spinning around...whole transitions..but they say a girl can't help it!..darn it!i'm in love what can I do..I just wish he feels the same way...well in some occasions he does feel the same way..but not all the time..but that's good right? because if we are smothering each other,how can we outshine from that shade..I just wish him well this hearts day..though I think he treats it as an ordinary day..well every person's waking day should be treated as hearts day...it shouldn't be confined to only one day right?hmmm..

I am quite silly these past few months...I'm not the type of person that just hold the feelings in the corner..I always make it known..I want my time to be significant for the both of us even though time itself has been greedy for the both of us..so wrote something for the heart's day...

Hold my hand,
And don't let go.
Because the warmth that I feel from you,
Serves as a gentle reminder,
That you're still here.

Hold my hand,
And don't let go.
Because your fingers wrapped tightly around mine,
Whispers to me,
That you love me.

Hold my hand,
And don't let go.
Because the careful way you act around me,
Let's me know,
That you love me too.

Hold my hand,
And don't let go,
Because every moment that your hand is still around mine,
Tells me,
That you aren't leaving me.
Not yet.

For every second that you're still here,
Is another moment that I can keep.
And every minute,
That you sit beside me,
Is another memory to stay with me.
And every little part of my life,
That I spend with you,
Is another moment,
Before you have to leave.
And every time,
Your fingers are wrapped around mine,
Let's me forget,
That this won't last long.

Hold my hand,
And don't let go,
And I'll hold yours,
Trying to pretend,
That we can stay together...

In million words I wish he could just read these...the silent lady may not speak no more..but it doesn't stop her heart to speak for itself...HAPPY HEARTS DAY HON! and to all the people who knows how to love & be loved..

enormously_incapacitated

i want to fit into the cave of your chest with mine... and breathe this intoxicating fever i have for you
down your neck, below your right ear.
i want to slowly touch the very ends of your hair and push the tuft across your face without touching your skin.
the most beautiful and painful thing about you ... is that i can not touch you.


i wanted to tell you that i saw forever in your eyes, in french...(i know my french)
like an old 40s movie
leaving me at the train station
i would mutter, in the rain
"je voir
toujours
dans le tien
mirettes "
when they glimmered off of the computer screen.
like warm chestnuts stuck behind glass, i imagined looking at them straight on.
you are distant. so near yet so far..so almost close..

i thought about you, thoroughly, for a few hours yesterday. i bit my lip, hard, in disgust with myself. i feel creepy because of my obsession.
i thought up a new game for myself the other day so that i could keep my cool when i am around you. . . to think back to this old twisted weeping willow tree game.

i would just imagine myself sitting underneath it, calm, in the long grass and pebbles. my knees a little dirty and my feet bare.
this thought calms me more than anything else in the world.
until a flash of memory came..darn it!those eyes again. i lost it.

i thought "willow tree, willow tree, bare feet, long grass... YOU... no no no willow tree... he has beautiful eyes"
i obviously need a new game.

i feel warm blood in my heart pumping harder than ever.


i am absolutely consumed. . . and i feel like an idiot.
fortunately you will never know how i feel.