not waiting for my Supernova..nuh-uh!..

Are you ready for FIERCE LOVE?



Life on your own terms demands a lot from you.It's a spoonful of acceptance & gallons of courage. It's about finding your place & doing it your way.Remember dearest that DOING MORE or BIGGER requires FIERCE LOVE.

Are you ready then? To practice positivity &  focus on strength so you could step into your personal power. Stop the comparisons and ditch the DOUBTS NOW! Speak up and do your things at YOUR way! Let the light come up into your life and be catatonic to haters!lol! Give weight to your integrity and do not forget to make room towards other's amazingness!

I am not going to wait for my SUPERNOVA but I am going to shine on my own!







I was totally inspired to Molly Mahar's Fierce Love course!I always say to myself LOVEWINS even when I do yoga. It's such an amazing feeling after but when I started to add that fierce lovin' unto myself- my LIFE just keeps getting better. I didn't enrolled in her course but I  understand that she was inspiring thousands of women out there, it was totally AMAZEBALLS!

Outdoor Hikes!ready?set....go!!!!

I posted last Feb, how much I have missed the outdoor. Well, I had a handful events last summer and I can't seem to find time for the outdoor. I pretty much focused on the seas, sunsets and sunrises.

Then came another circumstances to another then something in me just realised "Hey, the closest thing for your recent outdoor hike was a breakfast overlooking Taal Volcano. Why wait another month or year?How about doing it now?"









So, I researched the web and here is my top two list before this year ends:

The 100 ft drop rapelling in Buruwingan Falls in Sinloan, Laguna.

The Mt. Tarak of Marivelas Bataan (need to look for the camping gear:) and camping buddies.this would be long trip and it'll be fun to share it with others too!

Mt. Talamitam.. just look at the vast fields!So lovely!!










So get ready for the action gear and my yoga mat!The !st and 3rd one I could definitely visit in just a day!!!!So excited!

“I look up to the mountains: does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

Confession of the 20ish something:)

"Why are you still single?"...that's a 50 kgs. vintage question that was always bombed at my face. Why vintage? It was an ongoing question ever since I reached the age of 27; the main  reason why I never resorted to buy an iPod but instead stayed faithful with my Sony Walkman mp3(which is in pink:0 and I am absolutely crazy about up until to this date!) was it has an audio recorder,  which can record the multitude events this questions dropped unto me  from somebody's heavenly mouth.

Much to my dismay, my road to UNsinglehood was not in easy track and I do admit I am bit confused if I should feel bad when asked by those questions.

Even the fish vendor at our village queued " Sa ganda mo na yan, wala ka pa din asawa?!"  Do not fret,  you are not the only one who was surprised, in some quiet times I do ask the same question. :)

I felt somewhat annoyed when SOME uses the physical appearance to correlate intimacy in relationships.If you are pretty, you are obliged to have a partner; people questions you and WORST people would say "siguro maganda lang sya..". I don't know why physical appearance would correlate wether you should have or not a SOMEONE in your life. I find it cruel because in a way, they  meant to say was  that the  NOT-SO BEAUTIFUL can't have a boyfriend or a husband (wala ba karapatan ang di gaano kagandahan na mgkaroon ng lovelife?!)C'mon!I have seen beautiful, confident women who are single but yet they felt they are not lacking on anything!

My dear cousin would always say"..lahat na nasa iyo, boyfriend na lang ang KULANG!".It was as if  my completeness depends on somebody else?I love being alone and doing my alone times like travelling or going to movies. In most of these times,  it felt like it was the most rejuvenating moments of my life..it was something personal that when someone tries to to intervene or ride along; I felt a strong DEPRIVATION of self. How can I be the happy version of me towards you  if I am not happy being alone? 

"Why single ka pa din sa FACEBOOK?" Since the social networking has been a craze, the relationship status of all people (including me:) went havoc.There have been utmost curiosity towards social statuses but never in depth of emotional attachment. 

I have survived the rummage of these questions..  at one point with a quirky smile =) or intellectual analysis of my past mistakes or passive-avoidance on circumstances that might have a sequel or loud sigh with a thought "ewan k nga bakit..."

But I will be honest to you today, " Why am I SINGLE?"....because it was my constant choice. As plainly I can put this: I CHOSE TO BE SINGLE. 

In the matter of why am I choosing to be single, that my dear, I have a lot to say..

I wasn't bad with men, in most times I find myself in situations men get attracted without me being aware of it. I am slow witted in that circumstances.Men loves to give compliments in gifts or words but I prefer what not my ears could hear or my eyes could see. I don't like easy men who get carried away with their emotions. I appreciate the words and the thoughts but I prefer the courtesies that go with these.

Reminder BOYS: Women are not an easy catch!  DO NOT do something that will connote you as EASY, you are not created for that. God sacrificed his only son, Jesus, for you..because you are worth it! Jesus walked carrying that heavy cross because you are worth sacrificing for..not only the HARDWORK but SACRIFICE! I will quote Leo Buscaglia for this, " Sacrifice is ultimate language of LOVE".

Going back =), my point was I never lack admirers and it would be easy to have a boyfriend in my circle if I choose to but yet I choose to be Single. Some may ask : Am I being too selective? NO. I know I am not a perfect person and I am  not looking for a perfect man. It's just that despite of those available men, I just haven't found the guy who would make me fall in love and the one that fits right into who I am as a person. 

So if in case men gets intimated with this, "That guy won't be." I’m waiting on a guy who is deeply in love with Jesus. A real man, a man who knows His God and who follows him to the ends of the Earth. A man willing to “swim against the tide”, as Elisabeth Eliot puts it.

" I’m waiting on a guy who shares the same passions with me, who is as adventurous as I am, crazy, spontaneous, humorous and compassionate and has a heart for missions. "

Sometimes, it’s hard not to play the pity game when people keep telling me that I’m this and that. If I’m what they say I am, then why am I single and why won’t men pursue me? It can be disheartening to know that people have certain expectations of you and yet you’ve just never lived up to it. But when I consider the past mistakes I’ve done in my life with regard to relationships, and when I realize how I was redeemed from those mistakes, I have a strong sense of being in the RIGHT.

I am still waiting..I am near 29 and I have seen wide eyed people who criticise "malapit ka na mawala s kalendaryo!" . To whose calendar should I follow? yours or mine? I have learned the painful strife of following my own calendar and you can never expect me to follow yours ( I am much too bull headed to live in other people's standards.)

I would rather wait on God's timeline and his perfect timing and for that man that he blessed for me. I would rather wait actively than decide to have a boyfriend now just because of pressure or I felt like I am missing out on something. The last thing I need is another mediocre guy because I am not mediocre. And when I get into a relationship, this time I want it to be my LAST.Heartbreaks are such a waste of passion, time, energy. Who wants that? I’m in it for the long haul. I don’t like dating around and testing the waters. I would quote Psalm 37:4 " Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. " He will provide what I need:)

To cut it short:), I am a beautiful, extraordinary woman who is waiting on her handsome, godly and extraordinary man. I haven't met him and he hasn't met me, so that is why I am SINGLE:) But I can't wait  to change that Facebook status!

Pico de Loro, Hamilo Coast

my family and i went to Pico de Loro, Hamilo Coast  on mid April 2012 for the wedding of my cousin. but yet i enjoyed the scenery and the beach:) below are some pictures from the resort

 

Location: Virgin Island, Laiya Batangas

by the sea

so surreal ...i was lying on sand when i have taken this

jump shot!one more time!

it was a company outing, it is much better and quiet resort

having lunch at tents...

it was so beautiful..all the greens and blues..

This a beautiful resort, the water is clean and cool even at mid day. The sands are white but not as white as Boracay, the resort has many cottages and clean comfort rooms! The downside was no place to sleep in when you choose to stay overnight. If you don't want to spend in out of town and experience tranquility. Resorts on the shore of Laiya Batangas is worth the experience. For more pictures you can visit my facebook page:https://www.facebook.com/annmarie.s.secuban/photos under the Virgin Beach Resort:)

Game for another dose of endorphins!

Its Feb!Despite the fact I have survived the Hearts's Day without a date which occurs once in a blue moon. This is the season for outdoor hiking  and I stumbled with this picture that lead me to missing the long walks, death defying cross-overs, the icky feeling of much sweat, the profuse temper of the sun and the adrenaline in my blood when destination was reached.

Once I realized that my health was indeed a choice and good grief did I ever want to feel better, it was fairly easy for me to progressively make the dietary changes that my body craved—moving away from daily McDonald's (oooohhhhh!the twister fries!) and pre-packaged snacks and towards a whole foods, mostly plant-based diet. Having given up alcohol already(atleast I tried), I was familiar with the process of listening to my body and responding intuitively to what would really nourish it.







I miss the outdoor climbing so much, this my first climb in Mt.Makulot!I could almost feel the combination of warm and cool winds that touches my face.






















I still can afford to have  Korean pose even basking under the sun..it's burning!This guys are great and come to think of it I am the single person left in the crowd!
















I am in the mood for good endorphins and huge amount of outdoor activities topped my lists.I used to think that people who waxed poetic about so-called post-workout endorphins were full of crap (not to mention a little annoying:).


I spent much of my youth avoiding all forms of exercise, and became an expert at the art of persuading my mom to write me yet another note to get me out of gym class. My biggest athletic achievement was being coordinated enough to navigate the school hallways without removing my nose from the book that was inevitably in front of my face at all times.

After I was done with school and began spending most of my waking hours in cubicle land—complete with free carbonated beverages and candy bars in the break room that I used to reward myself for making it through stressful days everyday—I packed on an extra handful of pounds in seven months. Or, more accurately, a couple handfuls. I began to feel sick all the time—both from my stressful and unhappy work situation and from the poor food choices I was making to fuel my body.

But exercise was another story. I joined a gym and bribed myself to go by allowing myself to indulge in any crappy reality TV show or magazine only while I was working out. I timed my gym visits with “The Hills” and “Project Runway,” and trudged along on the treadmill and elliptical long enough to get rid of the extra weight I’d put on.

After that point, I knew I should keep going to the gym because I could stand to tone up and lose even a few more pounds, but there was nothing enjoyable about the process. With the exception of the occasional blissful yoga class, exercise was BORING, it didn’t feel good, and I didn’t get any sort of rush out of it (save for the occasional eye candy working the weight machines). I assumed I was missing the gland or whatever it is that produces endorphins… or those workout fanatics were just dirty liars.

And so my relationship with exercise remained in the same category as cleaning the bathroom, visits to the dentist, and making small talk with my weirdo uncle. It sucks, but it must be done.

But something has shifted in the time that I’ve been on outdoor hiking. Give me a spare afternoon and mildly decent weather, and all I want to do is go somewhere new and hike—up a mountain, along the coast , or between towns . I’ll even settle for the walking path that weaves through.

This desire to move is actually changing the way I view traveling. A previous version of myself would have been happy to spend all my time eating, café-dwelling, and museum-visiting in new cities. While I still enjoy those activities, the current version of me craves feeling my feet on the earth and my head in nature. This feels new and wonderful and strange; I’ve never, ever been able to consider myself “outdoorsy” before.

These hikes are considered exercise by every standard definition of the word, but they feel like much more.  There’s something wonderful about the combination of fresh air, the grandeur of nature, and physical movement. It quiets the mind, delights my eyes, and I come away feeling happy, restored and renewed.

I do believe I’ve activated my endorphin-making gland—it just took some fresh air and vitamin D to trigger.

In comparing my new feelings towards these walks and hikes with my previous notions of “exercise,” I can see what went wrong. I’d always regarded exercise as a “should” or a “have to”—I have go to the gym, I should lose X number of pounds. While I was able to listen to my body and shift my eating habits towards a more intuitive—and therefore more nourishing—way of eating, I didn’t allow myself a similar process with exercise.

Exercise doesn’t have to be like the dreaded timed mile tests of middle school, or running on the treadmill like a caged hamster on her wheel. Just like my intuition led me towards a healthy, wholesome way of eating, my body has led me to the great outdoors. It finally feels good to move.

am i trying too hard in hating you?

i wish i could hate you...
sometimes i try but it doesn't work..


i want to hate you for things you promised that you failed to do..i want to hate  because of what you did..i want to hate you for the things you didn't do..i want to hate your the things you made me feel and that is still do, on occasion.i want to hate you because it should be easy to hate you, and that perhaps hating you would take away some of my doubt.  i want to hate you because people always seem a bit surprised that I don’t hate you, which makes me feel like I should hate you.

but I don’t.  sometimes I try, but I can’t. and all that happens is I start to hate myself for the lack of being able to hate you. 

i want to hate you when I hear from you or about you.  it’s completely irrational.  i want to hate you because you are being mature, and respecting me, my feelings, and my life.  i want to hate you because it took you so long to learn how to respect me.   a year apart has caused you to be the bigger man. And I want to hate you. 

But I don’t. Instead I defend you. I protect you. I think about you. And, once in a while, I miss you, too. I especially hate that.

I don’t miss you as a significant part of my romantic life, but sometimes I miss you for your friendship. It’s completely selfish, and I am aware of this, and even okay with it, too.  I miss the way you knew me, and that we had enough history that you knew what I needed and when I needed it. Encouragement, and comfort, and motivation to get my ass in gear.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

The funny thing is, “I believe” that hate is never right, and love is never wrong. Lovewins, I say.  Lovewins, I write in blog posts, and display on my refrigerator, and contemplate tattooing on my wrist. Yet I find myself wanting to hate you.  It’s complex and confusing and  I wish I had some answers to the questions I keep asking, but they never seem to come.  Apparently, all I can do is be patient and wait for the healing and the answers to make their way into my heart, or at least until I begin to understand that the answers may never come. 

I hate that they may never come.  I hate that I know I shouldn’t blame you. 

I don’t hate you, and I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t help but feel damaged.  In the great kitchen store of life, I’m a delicate serving platter with a big ole chip, sitting on a bottom shelf in the back of the building marked for clearance.  I sometimes wonder if I declare a lesser value of my heart, or life, or potential because of what was, and more specifically, what wasn’t.  I know it’s not true.  I know that I’m enough, and valuable, and worthy, and that it’s just silly for me to think anything different.  But I want to blame you for the chip.  I want to say it’s your fault.  I want to say you dropped me, and therefore, I’m no longer perfect.  But if I wasn’t so damn delicate, I never would have gotten chipped in the first place.

I don’t hate you.  Even though I try.  Even though I want to. Even though that’s wrong.

Often times, I thank you.  I find myself explaining my story to a new friend, or someone who wants to know more about my experience with a broken engagement and a broken heart, and I say, so often, “I am so thankful that he had the courage.”  I mean it, too.  Because I can not even begin to imagine how miserable I would be if we were married.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself what it felt like back then and what it feels like now.  I have felt such freedom in.  I’ve broken out of a coffin I had found myself in for a variety of reasons.  I feel like I learned how to breathe for the first time in a long time and that I am finally me again.  My burial was not your fault, this I am sure. And although you were the one to cut the ties binding me down, I refuse to give you credit for the life I lead now. 

Because the life I lead now has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with love.  In the last year I have learned what loving myself truly feels like.  I have learned what it is like to put myself first, in order to grow in care and kindness of others.  I have experienced a deepening of my heart, and a blossoming of self awareness and self esteem. 

So, although I often try to hate you but can’t, I must remind myself that not only should I refuse to blame you, but perhaps I shouldn’t thank you either.  You do not deserve hatred, this I know.  But what I also know is that I deserve some credit, too.  I deserve to be seen as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  The delicateness, the strength, the chip; the full price and the discount.

The hatred, slowly, steadily, begins to melt.  The hatred and the hope of hatred.  Melts, melts, melts.

..one last time...

i haven't  written in here for a long time...

maybe because a lot of things happened ..it became really overwhelming for me...

i thought he was different from any other man, maybe when I made a choice I felt he was different...FELT...that was my  mistake back then..i relied on my feelings..not on what was right.he went on and gave me so much attention and expressed so much love in so many ways.made so many promises because he was happy..i always thought maybe he was happy because of me but later on i did realized he was happy with the events not with the person..

i made a choice not be trampled and step on..i made a choice to turn my back and bring out the best in me despite the situation..i made a choice to wait for everything to transpire on its own time..my principle at that time up until now was "everything has a season, this season is maybe not for us..."

he had a girlfriend again..maybe i was bit over analyzing the situation but the good thing about this was my mind is working not my feelings..i was able to discern for myself that he wasn't right for me..he doesn't deserve me he was brave enough to face the truth he can't handle it..looking at the pace of his relationship now and how strong they were..I was looking at myself..it like a mirror..we may be different persons but I was looking at me almost a year ago..we don't look alike but the manner of how he deal with his relationship now it seemed like a continuation of what we have...

a part of me raises the question "how come you moved on so fast at that rate and that depth?" ..maybe  a part of me felt i dont want to look at him maybe a year fr now the same way he looked at me when knika left him..because looking at his relationship now i felt something was wrong..but i choose not to say anything..

in both our lives there are no mistakes only decisions..if its wrong to choose myself in the process then I am  guilty for that...i dont want to relieve the moments or justify each of his actions because right here in my life i felt everything is as it should be..

if this would help him get over me so be it..if this will make him a better man so let it..if this will make his dreams come true, good for him..if this would allow him to let me go then fine..

because i realised something i served a purpose in his life..if he will not make this on his own that purpose will be left in vain

Thy Heart is Fixed

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.” Wizard of Oz

Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be.” – Julianne, My Best Friend’s Wedding

“The one who loves, waits.” – Love At Large

 start of 2012

It’s funny when you think about how life works sometimes. The things you dread and try to avoid the most are the things that do happen, and when least expected. You encounter people you don’t want to encounter; you get into situations where you don’t want to get yourself into. Oh, the irony of it all! But a lot can change over time. A year or so ago would have me unprepared for something like this. Maybe it would get me into another roller-coaster ride of emotions, and maybe I’d be more broken. But I have grown wiser since then. I’ve changed. The words I want to use are cautious, reflective, and fixed. My heart is fixed. I know what I want and I know what I must do.

I wound up my affairs this start of the year and went for a bang. I had a mother of all closure talks with a former flame, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, collected myself, burned memories, made a covenant, and left. That was the pattern I followed and looking back, it was good. I settled the important issues and opened myself up to pruning. I took out the things I don’t need and the people who are better off without me. And I put no drama there. I honestly believe it’s better for certain people to leave, even if it had to be me. If, after a painful and very stretching ordeal to make things work, they still don’t, then leave. There is no sense in staying. There is no sense in prolonging. And as for heartbreaks? Life is too short to be hung up on a heartbreak that has already served its purpose. I go by that principle now. And I also back it up with one of my favorite verses in the bible, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1  To me, and I know to you, our season’s over.

I posted these three quotes from movies I’ve watched before because at certain moments in my life, they were, and are, true. At this point, my heart is being made practical. I no longer want to relive painful memories that are best left forgotten because it isn’t practical for somebody needing and wanting to move on. I’m past that stage. I’ve moved on. I’m also the person who woke up and realized that yes, the world is just as it should be between us. It’s better we are this way for all the reasons we talked about last December.  After you left, I had this longing I’ve never had before, and I guess the that year  with you exhausted that. I was drained emotionally. I realize then that this is the perfect time to recharge and refocus on things that are necessary. Finally, after all the heartbreaks and after all the tears, I am still the person who waits. But not on you.

My heart is fixed. I’m not unsettled. A year ago I would not have been prepared to face this situation, encounter you. But I’ve changed since then. I know what I want and I know what I must do. My heart waits on the Lord, and because it does, your coming over doesn’t unsettle me. Not anymore.

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. - Psalm 57:7