What to do while waiting for your Ever After?

HAPPY NEW YEAR/ GONG XI FA CAI!


It's been almost year since I wrote on my blog and I haven't updated you of my whereabouts during that time. I was doing a little bit of soul searching and NOW I am back in the game. I got lots of ideas to write and things to share. I am soooo excited!!!  Since yesterday was the start of the year 2014 (according to Chinese calendar:) and this day is the first of the love month, it's befitting for me to write about the most favorite topic in the world- LOVE.

I have shied away from dating for at least 2 and half years now but it doesn't mean I have stopped hoping for the love ever after. I am a self confessed hopeless romantic and my thousand romance books would be the clear proof of that. I love the happy endings on those books since I haven't had my own happy ending yet. But instead of looking for it and taking actions on my own: I chose to wait for my own version.

What do I do while waiting? Honestly, that is the biggest challenge versus hopping from one date to another. I was in the moment of my life that I wouldn't like to waste my time in trying to figure out if the guy fits in my life. For me if the person is meant to be in my life, I wouldn't have seconds thoughts about him and the relationship that we have. Since I choose to do the hard part; below are the things I am doing while waiting:

1. The sweetest love that you could receive in your life is the LOVE that you could give to yourself. - Before I was a huge people pleaser, I did everything for other people while putting aside myself. I thought then that was love but in my process of waiting I have learned- it was exactly the opposite. I can't give away LOVE to other people if I don't have love for myself. I can't give away emotions if I don't possess it in the first place. I was critical, uptight, controlling, unforgiving  and cynical with my own mistakes. In my waiting I have seen that just like others I am capable of making mistakes and it's okay to have a malleable eraser handy just in case people around me wouldn't accept that I am divinely imperfect.

2. Reconnect your relationships in chronological order: GOD, Yourself, Family, Friends - In my previous life (if I was even existent at that time), my order of relationship was this: Friends, Family, GOD, Myself. When I experienced my first heartache, I changed  the order: Family, Friends,GOD, Myself. Then series of heartache happened in my life that was wrecking havoc in my relationship to others and myself. I stopped the habit of picking right from a previous relationship and moving on right away to the next one. Whilst, I changed the order: GOD, Yourself, Family, Friends. Why do I say that you have to prioritize GOD first? I have thousand of things to share why but I know one valid thing that could sum it all: GOD is LOVE. Love itself doesn't exist if there's no GOD in it. He gave up his only son for you, for us:so our sins can be redeem. If that act alone doesn't show what genuine and unconditional love is for you; Man! truly you got to try do some soul searching. As stated in 1 John 4:7, Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

3. Get to know the real YOU. - Each person is unique and each unique quality is beautiful. In the course of my life, I have missed out on things I want & need to do. Its either I wasn't given the opportunity or I deliberately make a pass on it. It made me weary, anxious and empty. Its not enough to do the things that I was expected to do or things that will make me  feel okay or safe. I was enlightened that safe wasn't me, I dare myself to allot time. Yes! for most of us time means money but I have got to give a huge time to lick my wounds and grieve for what was lost. Spend a time to the things I need then the things I want. Lastly, I am in the process of challenging myself in conquering my fears. I have seen that I am very much capable to do things I want and triumph above it. I became a  freelance visual artist with that my emotional and mental processing works best if it was freely expressed visually. I was sensitive but strong and persistent; I can also graciously have way with words to express my frustrations with solid and vivid impact. I have yet seen that even I love chocolates, pistachio. cookies and cream for my ice cream; but through and through I am a vanilla ice cream kind of woman- sweet, warm, affectionate and indelible.

4. Have a positive outlook and be grateful in life.- The good thing about me is I am a positive person, even my blood proves so (B+= Be Positive). Its a big difference if you see life in  a positive way, things happen for you. It takes a lot of hard work though. In an advanced world such ours, where social network status dictate what you are as a person and measures what kind of success a person has.It is hard to stay positive but if you begin as simple as smiling towards other, being gracious on small act of kindness; it is not impossible. Instead of complaining of things that you don't have, whining of struggles that you currently experience; how about be grateful for simple things that you often took for granted such as the air you breath or the amount of water you drink. Think of others who don't have what you have and pray for them. Start eating foods that gives positive boost in your body (as I go along I will write about these healthy foods). Be active,I found out that running and doing yoga helps me to clear my mind. Don't be afraid in doing things that makes you feel loved and special. You don't need someone to show those emotions but rather all you need is yourself.

So far these 4 things is my basic foundation where I base my decisions when I am doing my waiting. At the end of the day, the measure of having your ever after is not on achieving it but on what you do on its process. Happy waiting everyone!!

Book Review: The Edge of Never by J.A. Redmerski

 The first installment of The Edge of Never series. The book description is courtesy of Goodreads her is the link 

Sometimes life takes you off course . . .

THE EDGE OF NEVER

Twenty-year-old Camryn Bennett thought she knew exactly where her life was going. But after a wild night at the hottest club in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina, she shocks everyone-including herself-when she decides to leave the only life she's ever known and set out on her own. Grabbing her purse and her cell phone, Camryn boards a Greyhound bus ready to find herself. Instead, she finds Andrew Parrish.

Sexy and exciting, Andrew lives life like there is no tomorrow. He persuades Camryn to do things she never thought she would and shows her how to give in to her deepest, most forbidden desires. Soon he becomes the center of her daring new life, pulling love and lust and emotion out of her in ways she never imagined possible. But there is more to Andrew than Camryn realizes. Will his secret push them inseparably together-or destroy them forever?

Book Verdict: Excellent

This is my first read on J. A. Redmerski''s writing and I have not any expectation while scuffing through the first pages. It was a bit slow for me at the start however when it takes a abrupt an quick turn of emotions for me. Redmerski has left me high & dry with my tears pouring out at 3 am in the morning. It was an emotional read for 
as I feel a deep connection with Camryn's character- her longing for solitude and balance in life. How many times have we been wishing that we can pull ourselves from the chaos called LIFE. I admire Camryn's take of courage in changing the background of her life. Andrew Parrish just blew me away, his way of living life at the fullest makes me wonder " What am I waiting for?"

"Everybody starts out as strangers."

 At the middle of the story I know that there was a catch but reading at the last pages when I was beginning to  relax  on the emotional attachment of the two characters, Redmerski just pulled out the plug and everything went black for me. I was crying and questions how unfair the world was I was glad that she didn't left cliffhanger ( at least my heart was warmed that there was a HEA for bot of them.) I won't give spoiler but four thumbs up I am anticipating for the The Edge of Always. I will definitely follow through. 

“Heart always wins out over the mind. The heart, although reckless and suicidal and a masochist all on its own, always gets its way.” 

I recommend this an will be listing this as one of my top read at the first quarter of 2013. If you would like a copy (I mean dying to have a COPY just email me I can spare another 2 for the lucky ones:)

For the first time in my life, I’ve felt whole, alive, free. You were the missing piece of my soul, the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins. I think that if past lives are real then we have been lovers in every single one of them. I’ve known you for a short time, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. 

10 things that my Pugs taught me about LIFE

1.  You can always resolve issues through eye contact. There are no better ways in resolving issues by looking to somebody's eyes. It is the window of the soul and expresses the truth rather listening what the tongue says.





2.  During a fight, no one is small or fragile; it always depend on how and to whom you should bark. Do not under estimate one's strength through its size but always weigh a person on what he says and how he says. A good surgeon may incise carefully & meticulously but a better surgeon  incise with precision and efficiency knowing that every minute counts and every action matters.

3. If in doubt, smell first. Do listen to your doubts, it is there for a reason but don't let it engulf you.

4. There is no better stress reliever than RUNNING, so RUN as fast as you can. Running through your stresses and emotional voids helps you to increae circulation thus producing more oxygen carrying blood cells in your body. Good oxygenation helps your body to function properly.

5. Don't let anyone stop you at anything especially if it makes you happy. Do not listen to nay-sayers and pessimist. It is not your problem if they have bad things to say, its theirs. Its not your attitude that is being measured but theirs in every word that they utter against you.

6. Be proud of who you are; so love the natural you, even your own smell. 't Our generation was the most lie to  because everything has been a commodity even personality has been commercialize as well. Everything has not been enough.."My skin is not light enough.." .." My hair is not straight enough.." " My weight is not enough.." " My height is not enough.."...even the word enough is not enough for everyone. Be proud of your skin.. be proud of your heritage, of your nose, of your eyes, of your weight. Nobody will be good enough for you except YOURSELF. Be PROUD of who you are.

7. Sleep soundly even snore loudly. You`re body needs rest as much as it needs nourishment. Remember to take enough 8 hour sleep, a well rested body is a well thinking mind. A well thinking mind is a well feeling heart.

8. Breathe easy as if there is no tomorrow. Breathe... remember to breathe even at hours of incessant pressure or purest amount of joy. Life is meant to be  breathe in not breathe out. In the present day, people work  for the sake of working, for the sake of necessity ( I'm not against this:) But people tend to forget to breathe that they don't  notice things around.. that beautiful things are happening everyday that they don't take time to look at it.  BREATHE is the cheapest thing one can buy for himself to live for the fullest.

9. Rejoice in every moment you have, even in simple ways as sitting.Every moment matters and there is no single day that corresponds as BORING in your life. Every moment is an opportunity to rejoice even as simple as sitting around the corner.

seen on my portfolio @ behance

10. Do not be afraid to love or care even it was not reciprocated. Remember, you have so much to give.Every person is a vessel of love despite the hurts and failures that we have encountered in life; we are still bounty in terms of giving love. Give away love and you will receive love hundred folds in return.


 

I have 4 female pugs & 2 male pugs at home. They are adorable dogs & not easy to take care of despite of their short hair.  They are a ball of energy in many ways I can't count but they are loving and fiercely loyal.  Their world lights up even in small attention but give loads of affection in return.

I.am.conflicted.

Easter signifies new beginnings for me.. out for the old and in for the NEW. I know that I have figure out my life and plotted an re-plotted my own course. I on't know if it was because of frustration but I took the RISK. For the first time in my life, I am afraid of the outcome of that risk.

I was implementing my plan B and re-plotting it again, For the heart of God, please give it down on me. I am conflicted an for the first time I felt entirely ME-the feeling ME. I don't know if I have to be grateful for that or worry that it may hinder my plotted course.

I am not comfortable in feeling conflicted.

Drowning the Cold

Set me free...leave me be...

There are things that you don't move on to...my "things" are you.
It is not the relationship that we used to have that I can't move on for; it is the aftermath when you have left me in the cold.

The cold still lingers, I still can feel the icy air creeps along the column of my spine. When my fragile strength dissipates, my hands gets clammy and shaky; my throat dries up and I heave my own breath.

It was the cold; trying to pull me back on its gravity. Set me free...leave me be...

I have been surviving and living at my most as much as I can. I opened my eyes and have seen sunshine countless of times. No doubt it I have lived my life the way I always wanted it.  I just wish the cold would stop coming, it always knocks me out when I am defenceless. It's keeping my heart the way it is now.

So that's the only thing I couldn't move on from.

I am learning to accept that cold is a part of who I am. In my steep breaths, I may struggle but I know I  never stopped breathing. When I am knocked down, I still hold my stance and resort to fighting position.

So the cold is my biological reminder to NEVER say "I can't do this anymore."

Playlist: Gravity by Sara Bareilles

My Turning Page

My first blog for the year 2013!!!yey! Good things to come indeed..I took the long hiatus in writing here. It was a tough time in my life and I felt that I don't have the energy to talk about my life here (talk about thoughts to ponder!o_0.

Since my Tagaytay experience last year, I have resigned from my boring job and tried my luck overseas. For me it was the right time to move to my great adventure. Being on the long hiatus helped me a lot to face my demons and harness my inner strength that I thought was destroyed. I know I have not achieve its peak but I know deep in my heart I am ON MY WAY!!-this time its my WAY and I know with God's guidance it's right.So I am happily waiting for my life to unfold.



Also, in addition for my first blog this year, this entry was also dedicated for our beloved dog- Tatay Ugok. He died at 12 noon today, his age was past 12 years old. I am currently making a memorial artwork for him so wait for my further posts. He was our dog since I was 17 yrs old. He was smart, robust, curious and full of life; fiercely loyal, compassionate and affectionate not only to us but to our entire neighbourhood of men and dogs. I will miss cuddling him and giving doggy back and forehead rubs.It was a great loss, I have to postpone my manuscript (yes!I have started my first novel with 3 chapters already) to give way in writing a short story for him. He was amongst the stars that will imprint in my body someday-my 3 lucky stars. I hope no more dying dogs.:(

I have learned the value of back rubs and nose kisses through my dog. No doubt about it, I have receive fierce loyalty and lots of breathy and tongue splashing kisses in exchange and in those moments my hearts is full an bursting. - Ann

DEAREST SOULMATE

Dearest soulmate,

It is silly to write to someone I don't know- literally, I still don't know you. Maybe we may have seen each other or passed each others lives or maybe I don't have the oppurtunity to know you yet. I have searched for you for several times but to no avail was not yet found. Somewhere in my life I have lost hope and settled for less than I deserve for the thought I was losing time. I am sorry my dearest, I was weak and in my time of my weakness the consequence was myself being destroyed. I am not saying these to blame you of my actions but I want you to understand where I have been.

I hope deep in my heart that you would recognise me despite my defensive walls- I hope that your heart would recognise my heart beating wildly and barely hanging for you. I hope you will not give up easily on me. I am sorry for the decision I might made to keep my heart protected and keep my soul safe but please I beg you to fight for me. I know I have much love to give and this vast space of emptiness will only be filled by you. So please fight for me..fill it, I would like to be full and bursting- only you have the capacity to do that.

I am also aware that in your life you may have been hurt somehow or have been feeling empty just like me. My heart bleeds that someone may have hurt you or you have been feeling empty all this time. I am sorry for taking shortcuts and detours; for making you wait. I am sorry for not coming right away to be there for you but I want you to know I have my entire lifetime to make up for it. I will make up for it in everyday and in every breath and in every being of my soul.

In every choices I make today, please know that I am making and paving my way to come to you. I am making all the possible lines to come and touch your hand and kiss your sorrows away..know that I have been envisioning how you would look like and feel like beside me...more steps honey.. liitle more and we will see and feel each other. Please wait...please fight for me and please stay with me. I know it will be all worth it. I am loving you more and more unfathomably each day. I have been living for you..see you very soon.

Loving you deeply,

ann

                                 Playlist: Turning Pages by Sleeping At Last

not waiting for my Supernova..nuh-uh!..

Are you ready for FIERCE LOVE?



Life on your own terms demands a lot from you.It's a spoonful of acceptance & gallons of courage. It's about finding your place & doing it your way.Remember dearest that DOING MORE or BIGGER requires FIERCE LOVE.

Are you ready then? To practice positivity &  focus on strength so you could step into your personal power. Stop the comparisons and ditch the DOUBTS NOW! Speak up and do your things at YOUR way! Let the light come up into your life and be catatonic to haters!lol! Give weight to your integrity and do not forget to make room towards other's amazingness!

I am not going to wait for my SUPERNOVA but I am going to shine on my own!







I was totally inspired to Molly Mahar's Fierce Love course!I always say to myself LOVEWINS even when I do yoga. It's such an amazing feeling after but when I started to add that fierce lovin' unto myself- my LIFE just keeps getting better. I didn't enrolled in her course but I  understand that she was inspiring thousands of women out there, it was totally AMAZEBALLS!

Outdoor Hikes!ready?set....go!!!!

I posted last Feb, how much I have missed the outdoor. Well, I had a handful events last summer and I can't seem to find time for the outdoor. I pretty much focused on the seas, sunsets and sunrises.

Then came another circumstances to another then something in me just realised "Hey, the closest thing for your recent outdoor hike was a breakfast overlooking Taal Volcano. Why wait another month or year?How about doing it now?"









So, I researched the web and here is my top two list before this year ends:

The 100 ft drop rapelling in Buruwingan Falls in Sinloan, Laguna.

The Mt. Tarak of Marivelas Bataan (need to look for the camping gear:) and camping buddies.this would be long trip and it'll be fun to share it with others too!

Mt. Talamitam.. just look at the vast fields!So lovely!!










So get ready for the action gear and my yoga mat!The !st and 3rd one I could definitely visit in just a day!!!!So excited!

“I look up to the mountains: does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

Confession of the 20ish something:)

"Why are you still single?"...that's a 50 kgs. vintage question that was always bombed at my face. Why vintage? It was an ongoing question ever since I reached the age of 27; the main  reason why I never resorted to buy an iPod but instead stayed faithful with my Sony Walkman mp3(which is in pink:0 and I am absolutely crazy about up until to this date!) was it has an audio recorder,  which can record the multitude events this questions dropped unto me  from somebody's heavenly mouth.

Much to my dismay, my road to UNsinglehood was not in easy track and I do admit I am bit confused if I should feel bad when asked by those questions.

Even the fish vendor at our village queued " Sa ganda mo na yan, wala ka pa din asawa?!"  Do not fret,  you are not the only one who was surprised, in some quiet times I do ask the same question. :)

I felt somewhat annoyed when SOME uses the physical appearance to correlate intimacy in relationships.If you are pretty, you are obliged to have a partner; people questions you and WORST people would say "siguro maganda lang sya..". I don't know why physical appearance would correlate wether you should have or not a SOMEONE in your life. I find it cruel because in a way, they  meant to say was  that the  NOT-SO BEAUTIFUL can't have a boyfriend or a husband (wala ba karapatan ang di gaano kagandahan na mgkaroon ng lovelife?!)C'mon!I have seen beautiful, confident women who are single but yet they felt they are not lacking on anything!

My dear cousin would always say"..lahat na nasa iyo, boyfriend na lang ang KULANG!".It was as if  my completeness depends on somebody else?I love being alone and doing my alone times like travelling or going to movies. In most of these times,  it felt like it was the most rejuvenating moments of my life..it was something personal that when someone tries to to intervene or ride along; I felt a strong DEPRIVATION of self. How can I be the happy version of me towards you  if I am not happy being alone? 

"Why single ka pa din sa FACEBOOK?" Since the social networking has been a craze, the relationship status of all people (including me:) went havoc.There have been utmost curiosity towards social statuses but never in depth of emotional attachment. 

I have survived the rummage of these questions..  at one point with a quirky smile =) or intellectual analysis of my past mistakes or passive-avoidance on circumstances that might have a sequel or loud sigh with a thought "ewan k nga bakit..."

But I will be honest to you today, " Why am I SINGLE?"....because it was my constant choice. As plainly I can put this: I CHOSE TO BE SINGLE. 

In the matter of why am I choosing to be single, that my dear, I have a lot to say..

I wasn't bad with men, in most times I find myself in situations men get attracted without me being aware of it. I am slow witted in that circumstances.Men loves to give compliments in gifts or words but I prefer what not my ears could hear or my eyes could see. I don't like easy men who get carried away with their emotions. I appreciate the words and the thoughts but I prefer the courtesies that go with these.

Reminder BOYS: Women are not an easy catch!  DO NOT do something that will connote you as EASY, you are not created for that. God sacrificed his only son, Jesus, for you..because you are worth it! Jesus walked carrying that heavy cross because you are worth sacrificing for..not only the HARDWORK but SACRIFICE! I will quote Leo Buscaglia for this, " Sacrifice is ultimate language of LOVE".

Going back =), my point was I never lack admirers and it would be easy to have a boyfriend in my circle if I choose to but yet I choose to be Single. Some may ask : Am I being too selective? NO. I know I am not a perfect person and I am  not looking for a perfect man. It's just that despite of those available men, I just haven't found the guy who would make me fall in love and the one that fits right into who I am as a person. 

So if in case men gets intimated with this, "That guy won't be." I’m waiting on a guy who is deeply in love with Jesus. A real man, a man who knows His God and who follows him to the ends of the Earth. A man willing to “swim against the tide”, as Elisabeth Eliot puts it.

" I’m waiting on a guy who shares the same passions with me, who is as adventurous as I am, crazy, spontaneous, humorous and compassionate and has a heart for missions. "

Sometimes, it’s hard not to play the pity game when people keep telling me that I’m this and that. If I’m what they say I am, then why am I single and why won’t men pursue me? It can be disheartening to know that people have certain expectations of you and yet you’ve just never lived up to it. But when I consider the past mistakes I’ve done in my life with regard to relationships, and when I realize how I was redeemed from those mistakes, I have a strong sense of being in the RIGHT.

I am still waiting..I am near 29 and I have seen wide eyed people who criticise "malapit ka na mawala s kalendaryo!" . To whose calendar should I follow? yours or mine? I have learned the painful strife of following my own calendar and you can never expect me to follow yours ( I am much too bull headed to live in other people's standards.)

I would rather wait on God's timeline and his perfect timing and for that man that he blessed for me. I would rather wait actively than decide to have a boyfriend now just because of pressure or I felt like I am missing out on something. The last thing I need is another mediocre guy because I am not mediocre. And when I get into a relationship, this time I want it to be my LAST.Heartbreaks are such a waste of passion, time, energy. Who wants that? I’m in it for the long haul. I don’t like dating around and testing the waters. I would quote Psalm 37:4 " Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. " He will provide what I need:)

To cut it short:), I am a beautiful, extraordinary woman who is waiting on her handsome, godly and extraordinary man. I haven't met him and he hasn't met me, so that is why I am SINGLE:) But I can't wait  to change that Facebook status!

Pico de Loro, Hamilo Coast

my family and i went to Pico de Loro, Hamilo Coast  on mid April 2012 for the wedding of my cousin. but yet i enjoyed the scenery and the beach:) below are some pictures from the resort

 

Location: Virgin Island, Laiya Batangas

by the sea

so surreal ...i was lying on sand when i have taken this

jump shot!one more time!

it was a company outing, it is much better and quiet resort

having lunch at tents...

it was so beautiful..all the greens and blues..

This a beautiful resort, the water is clean and cool even at mid day. The sands are white but not as white as Boracay, the resort has many cottages and clean comfort rooms! The downside was no place to sleep in when you choose to stay overnight. If you don't want to spend in out of town and experience tranquility. Resorts on the shore of Laiya Batangas is worth the experience. For more pictures you can visit my facebook page:https://www.facebook.com/annmarie.s.secuban/photos under the Virgin Beach Resort:)

Game for another dose of endorphins!

Its Feb!Despite the fact I have survived the Hearts's Day without a date which occurs once in a blue moon. This is the season for outdoor hiking  and I stumbled with this picture that lead me to missing the long walks, death defying cross-overs, the icky feeling of much sweat, the profuse temper of the sun and the adrenaline in my blood when destination was reached.

Once I realized that my health was indeed a choice and good grief did I ever want to feel better, it was fairly easy for me to progressively make the dietary changes that my body craved—moving away from daily McDonald's (oooohhhhh!the twister fries!) and pre-packaged snacks and towards a whole foods, mostly plant-based diet. Having given up alcohol already(atleast I tried), I was familiar with the process of listening to my body and responding intuitively to what would really nourish it.







I miss the outdoor climbing so much, this my first climb in Mt.Makulot!I could almost feel the combination of warm and cool winds that touches my face.






















I still can afford to have  Korean pose even basking under the sun..it's burning!This guys are great and come to think of it I am the single person left in the crowd!
















I am in the mood for good endorphins and huge amount of outdoor activities topped my lists.I used to think that people who waxed poetic about so-called post-workout endorphins were full of crap (not to mention a little annoying:).


I spent much of my youth avoiding all forms of exercise, and became an expert at the art of persuading my mom to write me yet another note to get me out of gym class. My biggest athletic achievement was being coordinated enough to navigate the school hallways without removing my nose from the book that was inevitably in front of my face at all times.

After I was done with school and began spending most of my waking hours in cubicle land—complete with free carbonated beverages and candy bars in the break room that I used to reward myself for making it through stressful days everyday—I packed on an extra handful of pounds in seven months. Or, more accurately, a couple handfuls. I began to feel sick all the time—both from my stressful and unhappy work situation and from the poor food choices I was making to fuel my body.

But exercise was another story. I joined a gym and bribed myself to go by allowing myself to indulge in any crappy reality TV show or magazine only while I was working out. I timed my gym visits with “The Hills” and “Project Runway,” and trudged along on the treadmill and elliptical long enough to get rid of the extra weight I’d put on.

After that point, I knew I should keep going to the gym because I could stand to tone up and lose even a few more pounds, but there was nothing enjoyable about the process. With the exception of the occasional blissful yoga class, exercise was BORING, it didn’t feel good, and I didn’t get any sort of rush out of it (save for the occasional eye candy working the weight machines). I assumed I was missing the gland or whatever it is that produces endorphins… or those workout fanatics were just dirty liars.

And so my relationship with exercise remained in the same category as cleaning the bathroom, visits to the dentist, and making small talk with my weirdo uncle. It sucks, but it must be done.

But something has shifted in the time that I’ve been on outdoor hiking. Give me a spare afternoon and mildly decent weather, and all I want to do is go somewhere new and hike—up a mountain, along the coast , or between towns . I’ll even settle for the walking path that weaves through.

This desire to move is actually changing the way I view traveling. A previous version of myself would have been happy to spend all my time eating, café-dwelling, and museum-visiting in new cities. While I still enjoy those activities, the current version of me craves feeling my feet on the earth and my head in nature. This feels new and wonderful and strange; I’ve never, ever been able to consider myself “outdoorsy” before.

These hikes are considered exercise by every standard definition of the word, but they feel like much more.  There’s something wonderful about the combination of fresh air, the grandeur of nature, and physical movement. It quiets the mind, delights my eyes, and I come away feeling happy, restored and renewed.

I do believe I’ve activated my endorphin-making gland—it just took some fresh air and vitamin D to trigger.

In comparing my new feelings towards these walks and hikes with my previous notions of “exercise,” I can see what went wrong. I’d always regarded exercise as a “should” or a “have to”—I have go to the gym, I should lose X number of pounds. While I was able to listen to my body and shift my eating habits towards a more intuitive—and therefore more nourishing—way of eating, I didn’t allow myself a similar process with exercise.

Exercise doesn’t have to be like the dreaded timed mile tests of middle school, or running on the treadmill like a caged hamster on her wheel. Just like my intuition led me towards a healthy, wholesome way of eating, my body has led me to the great outdoors. It finally feels good to move.

am i trying too hard in hating you?

i wish i could hate you...
sometimes i try but it doesn't work..


i want to hate you for things you promised that you failed to do..i want to hate  because of what you did..i want to hate you for the things you didn't do..i want to hate your the things you made me feel and that is still do, on occasion.i want to hate you because it should be easy to hate you, and that perhaps hating you would take away some of my doubt.  i want to hate you because people always seem a bit surprised that I don’t hate you, which makes me feel like I should hate you.

but I don’t.  sometimes I try, but I can’t. and all that happens is I start to hate myself for the lack of being able to hate you. 

i want to hate you when I hear from you or about you.  it’s completely irrational.  i want to hate you because you are being mature, and respecting me, my feelings, and my life.  i want to hate you because it took you so long to learn how to respect me.   a year apart has caused you to be the bigger man. And I want to hate you. 

But I don’t. Instead I defend you. I protect you. I think about you. And, once in a while, I miss you, too. I especially hate that.

I don’t miss you as a significant part of my romantic life, but sometimes I miss you for your friendship. It’s completely selfish, and I am aware of this, and even okay with it, too.  I miss the way you knew me, and that we had enough history that you knew what I needed and when I needed it. Encouragement, and comfort, and motivation to get my ass in gear.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

The funny thing is, “I believe” that hate is never right, and love is never wrong. Lovewins, I say.  Lovewins, I write in blog posts, and display on my refrigerator, and contemplate tattooing on my wrist. Yet I find myself wanting to hate you.  It’s complex and confusing and  I wish I had some answers to the questions I keep asking, but they never seem to come.  Apparently, all I can do is be patient and wait for the healing and the answers to make their way into my heart, or at least until I begin to understand that the answers may never come. 

I hate that they may never come.  I hate that I know I shouldn’t blame you. 

I don’t hate you, and I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t help but feel damaged.  In the great kitchen store of life, I’m a delicate serving platter with a big ole chip, sitting on a bottom shelf in the back of the building marked for clearance.  I sometimes wonder if I declare a lesser value of my heart, or life, or potential because of what was, and more specifically, what wasn’t.  I know it’s not true.  I know that I’m enough, and valuable, and worthy, and that it’s just silly for me to think anything different.  But I want to blame you for the chip.  I want to say it’s your fault.  I want to say you dropped me, and therefore, I’m no longer perfect.  But if I wasn’t so damn delicate, I never would have gotten chipped in the first place.

I don’t hate you.  Even though I try.  Even though I want to. Even though that’s wrong.

Often times, I thank you.  I find myself explaining my story to a new friend, or someone who wants to know more about my experience with a broken engagement and a broken heart, and I say, so often, “I am so thankful that he had the courage.”  I mean it, too.  Because I can not even begin to imagine how miserable I would be if we were married.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself what it felt like back then and what it feels like now.  I have felt such freedom in.  I’ve broken out of a coffin I had found myself in for a variety of reasons.  I feel like I learned how to breathe for the first time in a long time and that I am finally me again.  My burial was not your fault, this I am sure. And although you were the one to cut the ties binding me down, I refuse to give you credit for the life I lead now. 

Because the life I lead now has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with love.  In the last year I have learned what loving myself truly feels like.  I have learned what it is like to put myself first, in order to grow in care and kindness of others.  I have experienced a deepening of my heart, and a blossoming of self awareness and self esteem. 

So, although I often try to hate you but can’t, I must remind myself that not only should I refuse to blame you, but perhaps I shouldn’t thank you either.  You do not deserve hatred, this I know.  But what I also know is that I deserve some credit, too.  I deserve to be seen as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  The delicateness, the strength, the chip; the full price and the discount.

The hatred, slowly, steadily, begins to melt.  The hatred and the hope of hatred.  Melts, melts, melts.

..one last time...

i haven't  written in here for a long time...

maybe because a lot of things happened ..it became really overwhelming for me...

i thought he was different from any other man, maybe when I made a choice I felt he was different...FELT...that was my  mistake back then..i relied on my feelings..not on what was right.he went on and gave me so much attention and expressed so much love in so many ways.made so many promises because he was happy..i always thought maybe he was happy because of me but later on i did realized he was happy with the events not with the person..

i made a choice not be trampled and step on..i made a choice to turn my back and bring out the best in me despite the situation..i made a choice to wait for everything to transpire on its own time..my principle at that time up until now was "everything has a season, this season is maybe not for us..."

he had a girlfriend again..maybe i was bit over analyzing the situation but the good thing about this was my mind is working not my feelings..i was able to discern for myself that he wasn't right for me..he doesn't deserve me he was brave enough to face the truth he can't handle it..looking at the pace of his relationship now and how strong they were..I was looking at myself..it like a mirror..we may be different persons but I was looking at me almost a year ago..we don't look alike but the manner of how he deal with his relationship now it seemed like a continuation of what we have...

a part of me raises the question "how come you moved on so fast at that rate and that depth?" ..maybe  a part of me felt i dont want to look at him maybe a year fr now the same way he looked at me when knika left him..because looking at his relationship now i felt something was wrong..but i choose not to say anything..

in both our lives there are no mistakes only decisions..if its wrong to choose myself in the process then I am  guilty for that...i dont want to relieve the moments or justify each of his actions because right here in my life i felt everything is as it should be..

if this would help him get over me so be it..if this will make him a better man so let it..if this will make his dreams come true, good for him..if this would allow him to let me go then fine..

because i realised something i served a purpose in his life..if he will not make this on his own that purpose will be left in vain

Thy Heart is Fixed

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.” Wizard of Oz

Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be.” – Julianne, My Best Friend’s Wedding

“The one who loves, waits.” – Love At Large

 start of 2012

It’s funny when you think about how life works sometimes. The things you dread and try to avoid the most are the things that do happen, and when least expected. You encounter people you don’t want to encounter; you get into situations where you don’t want to get yourself into. Oh, the irony of it all! But a lot can change over time. A year or so ago would have me unprepared for something like this. Maybe it would get me into another roller-coaster ride of emotions, and maybe I’d be more broken. But I have grown wiser since then. I’ve changed. The words I want to use are cautious, reflective, and fixed. My heart is fixed. I know what I want and I know what I must do.

I wound up my affairs this start of the year and went for a bang. I had a mother of all closure talks with a former flame, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, collected myself, burned memories, made a covenant, and left. That was the pattern I followed and looking back, it was good. I settled the important issues and opened myself up to pruning. I took out the things I don’t need and the people who are better off without me. And I put no drama there. I honestly believe it’s better for certain people to leave, even if it had to be me. If, after a painful and very stretching ordeal to make things work, they still don’t, then leave. There is no sense in staying. There is no sense in prolonging. And as for heartbreaks? Life is too short to be hung up on a heartbreak that has already served its purpose. I go by that principle now. And I also back it up with one of my favorite verses in the bible, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1  To me, and I know to you, our season’s over.

I posted these three quotes from movies I’ve watched before because at certain moments in my life, they were, and are, true. At this point, my heart is being made practical. I no longer want to relive painful memories that are best left forgotten because it isn’t practical for somebody needing and wanting to move on. I’m past that stage. I’ve moved on. I’m also the person who woke up and realized that yes, the world is just as it should be between us. It’s better we are this way for all the reasons we talked about last December.  After you left, I had this longing I’ve never had before, and I guess the that year  with you exhausted that. I was drained emotionally. I realize then that this is the perfect time to recharge and refocus on things that are necessary. Finally, after all the heartbreaks and after all the tears, I am still the person who waits. But not on you.

My heart is fixed. I’m not unsettled. A year ago I would not have been prepared to face this situation, encounter you. But I’ve changed since then. I know what I want and I know what I must do. My heart waits on the Lord, and because it does, your coming over doesn’t unsettle me. Not anymore.

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. - Psalm 57:7

FIRST DAY!!!!

Ladies and gents!First day of work, tons of fun so far. As usual, the same old intro thing but the best part was meeting new friends=)I was so happy. I noticed their trainers when I look at them, I say to myself I am better than that person. Hmmmm..staying would be nice and revving up the ladders would be far better.

We spent the day touring the site, I really love the ambiance it was so Filipino. And there was country style inside=). I ate blueberry doughnut and cinnamon bread for lunch which costs 15 pesos each. Great buy right! And I was full already, I think I could make it the 100 bucks per day would do great for me.

And the BIG plus!he texted me today!He was actually making a follow up if I was ok and I was relieved from whatever that ills me. It was thoughtful of him. Just as I replied he was online on FB so I talked to him directly there was no reason not too. I said I was ok, stuff like that and he was just usual friend thing. I notice that when I was the one who initiate the contact I don't feel valued at all. So i will let him text me this time, and he is GOING HOME IN DEC 10. So that will be a countdown for me!!!!

I have to save more and look my best until he comes home either we see each other or not I am truly happy he is home at least. It relieves you to thinking how was he an what he's doing. The experience really taught me value of patience and control. I happy I have gone through this flawlessly and we are ok in terms of talking.A little bit of awkward but let's see what will happen next.=)

Pump out my Juice:

I learned to embrace each moment of my life as a blessing and felt gratified ten folds more. Things come and redeem itself in wonderful packages and I am exuberant to let those unfold on its own time.

Be Bold or Italic..Never Regular

Do you want to play it safe?

“Research on the attributes that we associate with “being feminine” tells us that the most important qualities for women are: thin, nice, pretty. If you want to play it totally safe, you have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible. “ -Brene Brown

I do not want to live my life playing it safe.  I don’t want to rest in conventional, content to rush about in a daze, checking errands off my to do list, putting in facetime where required, doing all the things expected of me.

Getting by, by giving up on life, is not my style.

Ladies, safe is not the new black.  I don’t want you to play it safe.

When we get too used to playing it safe–being small, quiet and attractive–we forget what it’s like to be out in the world, unencumbered and earnest.  We forget what it’s like to beat on our chest with a Tarzan yell and declare, “Today’s the day to break the rules!  To climb trees, write a poem, eat cherries, to live today as if it’s all I’ve got!”

To play  safe requires us to forget that we are overflowing with a unique life force.  Overflowing with dreams, and hopes, and an incredible capacity to love. It requires us to make our adventures and goals fit within society’s ruler of acceptable.

Playing safe takes away our opportunity to carve our place in the world. There’s a cosmic space that belongs only to us– it’s our unique contribution to the world– and safe doesn’t allow us to paint it with rainbows, to sing at the top of our lungs, to make millions in the service of others, to dance naked, or to take pride in our quirks.

Safe keeps those differences, those shimmering contributions, from ever emerging.

Safe makes us afraid to be big, bold, and unique.  Safe makes us forget what that would even look like.

Which leads me to this…

How Not To Play It Safe

We are a generation of educated, gutsy women who are capable of so many incredible contributions (from raising amazing children to creating art, from making a difference in our communities to starting businesses, from exploring the world to inspiring others) yet we spend so much of our energy on our outer appearance.

We don’t feel good enough unless we “look good enough.” And “looking good” requires being thin, stylish, pretty, and pulled together.  All of the time.  And seemingly without effort.

Reality check?  This is impossible.

Stop letting your outer appearance dictate how your feel about yourself, your life.  Stop striving for thin as if it’s the answer to everything.  Stop trying to fit in with whatever pretty happens to equal this year.

Be Big.  Be Unique.  Be YOU.

Strive for healthy, for strong, for capable. Love your body by fueling it properly and moving it and adorning it with fashion you love.   Celebrate your unique beauty, the bloodlines that connect you to each and every gorgeous woman in your family.

Deck yourself in sequins, in pinstriped suits, in cowboy boots, in sundresses, in rock tee-shirts—whatever it is that tickles your fancy. Dress for the woman you are, not the one you’re pretending to be.

Honor your reality.  

Practice loving you, as is.

As far as being nice goes…  I’m all for kind, for loving, for rose-colored glasses and solving problems with honey.  But when nice starts equaling quiet, safe, small—it’s time to break out the bold.

You’re a woman.  You’ve got an opinion, a unique take on the world.  Make sure it’s heard.

Don’t play it safe.

You’re hurting yourself and those around you by agreeing with something that makes you want to pull your hair out.  You’re disrespecting yourself by constantly grinning and bearing it.  You’re giving up your power by biting your tongue.

There’s a time to be nice.  There’s a time to get your sass on.  There’s time to stand up for yourself no matter what the cost.  There’s even a time to pull the bitch card.

Don’t be afraid.  Be Bold.

Parting Words?

You are a woman, thin or thick, small or big.  You are a woman, pretty or unusual, attractive or unique.  You are a woman, nice or sassy, quiet or bold.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, ladies, don’t play it safe.

This is your life.  Live it with all the guts, glory, and bravado you can muster.

Dive in.  Make it Count.

And don’t worry–you’re not alone.  I promise you, I’m doing the same.