different view from above!!!!

I finished the client interview today..NO SWEAT!;) But I gained new friends which I think I can be super friends with..hihihihi! I also finished the medicals which is pretty easy.I just have to submit few credentials tom and sign the job offer.hahaha! I was so excited because it was an Australian account and most of the shift is during the day. And the good plus was it more on email.I will not be suffering from laryngitis anymore and headaches as my account will not be much toxic.So I felt great, everything was transpiring as it is.I will do my best this time so once I will be tenured I hope to be transferred to the recruitment.;) More baby steps towards one goal: SAVE MORE AND LAW SCHOOL HERE I COME!

Enough about the career, I am very pleased to announce that from such a long time he texted me on his own just to share how good his day was because he won a BB phone right after he found the iphone3 accidentally.I received it while I was having the exam.That was a big ego boost and I was super happy for him.I love it! As I always say before things will redeem at their own time and rate. I am enjoying the changes in my life and also the changes he has in his life. Honestly, I am super excited about him going home whether he wants to see me or not.Deep down inside me I am super happy for the both of us.

So I will continue and keep an update for I know that this actually help me a lot to reveal things that I want to happen in my life.

Keep living and keep on dreaming!

Keep smiling and keep loving!:)

a_fearless:REVISITED

More than 2 mos ago, I was hanging in a steep cliff..hanging on my dear life and what was let of it. My ex fiance broke up with me, canceled the engagement and the wedding this coming December. I don't know what to do, where to go and how I could handle this. People around talked so much, giving out opinions, straightening out what actually happened and as for me I don't know how to begin as to what I felt. Everything was volatile like a fuming gas suffocating my soul I wanted to get out. One bad thing led to another bad event then another bad choices.

There was one thought in my mind: I don't want to allow these circumstances to ruin my life. My only option: PACK MY BAGS & LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND!

I don't know where to go nor what to do but I need to face this as fearlessly as I can. Either way part of it was my decisions and I should straighten out my life in my terms. So I need to LET EVERYTHING GO. I have let go of things that remind me, every single detail about the wedding I have canceled everything. When I was comfortable enough, I have confronted my own pain, my seething anger and grinding disappointment. I have recognized that my self esteem was crushed to the core and my sanity is in danger level. I have to deal with this on my own but for now I need to LET GO.

Then one morning I woke up feeling lighter but not better. I began to pray it was the intimate prayers I have made so far. I am allowing GOD to work for me..LETTING GOD and his will prevail. I asked him for guidance and more strength as I deal with my life. I would like him to be my partner instead him on top of me. I wanted him closer and yearned for his comfort.And I have prayed for the people who was hurt because of these even the man I love, yes! I have prayed for his well being.

Then changes came, I looked to positive and things began to be positive. I changed internally then changes externally came. I lost much weight and my skin looked radiant. I love how I look nowadays and people start complimenting. Men are attracted and women kept on admiring. I know a healthy dose of positivism and cheery spirit has been my everyday medication. And it is absolutely 100% potent!

Then things that I want seem to come to me without me asking, I have a new job( contract signing soon) which nurtures what I am good at. In the manner that I want and the vicinity that I want with salary expectations that I desire. People with good standing starts to come by without me asking.They come knocking all at the same time. A new business idea came to mind that I want to flourish in the future and the new zest in painting that I have never felt before. Everything in my life actually transpired the way I wanted it and in the time I wanted it.

As of relationship, I know deep down what I am doing is actually good for me and I am allowing him to do what is actually good for him. That certainty is liberating and free me of regret if I am actually doing the right thing. If we were right for each other, there will be a right time.

Parting words?

Don't make excuses in your life when changes comes knocking right at your doorstep..don't ever say "wait.", "just a second" or "in a while.." GRAB IT! Don't let the things of the moment stop you for experiencing the life that you have always wanted and dreamed of.

DO NOT LET CIRCUMSTANCES OF YOUR LIFE TAKE CHARGE.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU BEHAVE AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES WILL CHANGE.

Make your partner and he will exceed all of your expectations.

LET GO AND LET GOD WORKS.

you live only once, BE FEARLESS.

FOR THE FIRST TIME:MIxed Media done!

I had a fun time doing my mixed media, I used tissue wraps, old crafts and magazine cut outs. I will try to document the other paintings I will have. These are the 2 12x 18 canvass that I have. The girl with the fishes I am trying to find a name for her=). It is already finished and coated with gloss varnish from REEVES. The last canvass was not yet finished so it was still in progress.

12x18 inches mixed media on canvass

colors: lake blue, pthalo blue, crimson red, light yellow,

light green, ochre,black acrylic;

white, yellow& blue gouache colors

Title:(i can't find think of the title:soon)

12x18 mixed media on canvass

colors: lake blue, pthalo blue, crimson red, light yellow, burnt sienna acrylics:

whote, yellow and black gouache

Title: "fly me to the moon"

Thanks to Berkeley products and Reeves Acrylics and Gouache

Winsor and Newton for my brushes:)

harry potter fever na!

umandar na nmn ang isip bata..hihi!..sbrang tuwang tuwa me sa harry potter fever...naalala ko ung unang basa ko ng pilosopher's stone..it was almost 2 yrs before release ung movie version nya..haha!ang ksama k ngbbasa sa powerbooks eh mga 8yrs old na ang bnbasa series of unfortunate events..sbi k sana mging movie sya..when they released the movie version nlabas na yung second installment ng book..haha!advnce screening tlga ang lola..haha!kakatuwa kse eh..kaya nung nkita ko harry potpot fever na..feeling bata na nmn este isip bata na nmn, haha!super addict kse eh..d na mkatulog huli na yan..kalungkot nmn katulad din nung pnanuod nmn ung last ng LOTR haha!talgang pagod maghntay sa pila at matagal ang movie dhil ang drama ni frodo!sana nga lang d gnun si potter..haha!

trivia galing sa addict sa HP:

dont u know that dumbledore died at age 115 and he is gay..read the the half blood prince..mkikita nyo dun he is secretly in love with griwendal(i dnt know if right ung spelling)

sa book hermione is not as beautifully she is supposed to have a buck teeth, nd harry has green eyes excted na ako sa plot nila snape nd harry and voldermort:)hay pwamise 3D tlga..sana kasya sa budget k:(hihi!

Nrrmdaman k na ang harry potter fever!lol!para na nmn me bata tlga..ang babaw ng kaligayahan.nkita k ung snitch!

Dearest you

standing outside of the box made me see it on a diff perspective:

i have lost friends bec of this,

seen my weakness nd emphasized my strength..

no matter what are the troubles, miay it be small or big, it doesnt matter anymore..just let it go:)

for the record i have forgiven you, you dont need to apologize, i dont need explanations..you dont owe me anything:)

being with you was one of the most happiest moments of my life, that even @ my darkest hours makes me hope that someday I will have more moments like that.

I expect you to be happy from all of these, I just wish one day with you..if God would be listening,just one day..just you & I.We have to bring down the whole foundation of who we were in order to find our new us.I just wish in that time you are with me @ my side..

Even you dont say anything at all, I do understand you and even a lot of people were throwing a lot opinions at the end of the story nobody knows u more than I do..That everybody was putting me into different directions, what to think or say but I wouldnt allow myself to be bec I know what makes me happy.

I am  sending you happy thoughts everyday..that in light of things you will see that evrything was ok.That its ok not to be ok, that its ok that we feel confused and overwhelmed..that we feel unloved and abandoned..and that we feel that sense of loss..that there are times we cant explain what we want, what we feel and why we do the things we do..Even I cant explain why do I feel the same way as I do despite & inspite of.I still love you..it doesnt makes me sad when i think of that..it makes me happy that I still feel the same way bec I know I loved you with all my heart, I was willing to let go not bec of ego but bec I understand..I am not afraid of what will tomorrow bring anymore..come what may:)

The distance was a great struggle for both of us bec I was more afraid that the distance would make us grow apart..eversince you went away you have changed..it was like seeing a different side of you, so I have changed bec I have to adapt with that..when you kissed me goodbye at the airport, i promised to myself I will be strong for the both of us, I didn't shed a tear when u went away, just like when you said you let me go, i didnt shed even one tear..because I promised I will be strong for the both of us.

I did not live a miserable life with you that is one thing I have to disagree with what u have said, I did not..I am fully aware of the consequences of my choices when I choose you..mhrap pigilan magmhal lalo na kung ang mamahalin ay ikaw..You dont have to stand in the shadow of your past anymore, you were never bad at me..I have not been bad @ you as well.I want u to be proud of yourself our relationship before was loved & envied by many..keep ur chin up by..there was nothing to be ashamed of..do not listen to what other people say, follow what your heart is telling you..dont let your mind cloud it..

Do what I do, when you feel sad & lonely just close your eyes, take a picture of the most happiest moment of your life..in 5 yrs time envision the person you want to be and the people you want to be with and say it outloud..those things will exactly happen..believe me.

I am saying these things because I will not allow myself to talk about the past when we meet again..sigurado ako mgkikita tayo 2..i now we will..I am saying goodbye to the old us also..to all the plans and hopes and will begin in making new ones.I am happy I was never miserable, I was always in content with you..always..if in case we meet again or in case you talked to me, lam ko you will in time..let go of the old baggage..i will give you the floor to explain if you want to, I am  just going to listen.Do not always be in despair..kilala kita masyado ka emo, na para ikaw ang pnka aping tao sa mundo..hihihihii!ok lang yun sasamahan nmn kitang maging api sbay tau mag audition sa ABS CBN:)Lagi ka na lang hurting kapag nkasakay ka, lagi na lang un ang pattern sa buhay m , khit ako nakikita ko at napapansin k un.A part of you let me go not bec of fear I will get hurt but bec of fear you will get hurt na baka along the way di kita maintndhan nd along the way i cant accept who you are as a person.

God was wise..we met when we were both hurting..nkilala natin ang isat isa how we mend our hearts..God gave us 10yrs apart to grow..matuto nd have our own roots..then he allowed us to seperate again for us to find ourselves, to know how it is love..to know that the language of love was not the words...it was not the I love you's..it was SACRFIFICE..God is wiser than us..trust in him because I do.God will bring out the best in both of us..the worst in both of us..but be patient bec He will set the right time..He knows best..he is preparing us both for something bigger than this...

forgive me for all my setbacks..I am sincerely apologizing for that..and...

As I always say..you have all the things you need its a high time you fight.:)

love,

by

God's Scolding Moment

These past few weeks, i stomped my feet when I didnt have my way instead of humbly kneel in front of God..I whined and cried as loud as I can & asked "why again?"...I accused him for being mean nd insensitive that he doesn't have pity on me coz ,I've gone through so much..of all people "why me again?"I was angry and throwed rants at him "why me?why this?what do u want more out of me?" it was so draining that nothing was left inside of me anymore..then he quietly said "are you finished now?sit down with me and take a rest, be patient and you will see how I beautifully prepare your life... just like what u do with your paintings..u always start fr sketch nd never hold down your ideas..haven't you seen my work? though it is blurry but the pieces are together, it will be a masterpiece soon..u can now start to paint the way you want it ,on the time you want it with the people you like to part with..but for now lets sit down nd let see.."He extended his arms so many times for me to see I refused to do so coz I cant accept his new perspective but when he patiently sat down and listen to my rumbles and as I got tired of stomping my feet, i looked at his way..then everything went blank..i felt nothing anymore, no resentment, no pride, no anger, no hurt, no doubts and no fears..he have always wanted me to take a leap with his ideas, even from the start he have always wanted me to relieve whats inside my head thats been kicking me in the curb and inside my heart where I kept locking in the inside..when I start to see his way, everything looked different..every burden I have vanished just like that..it was as if there was nothing to begin with..i began to understand why?how?and what?I smiled and he said"so stop whining, I have given you so much and I know you can give so much as well..use it...do not be afraid for I am always here..just sit there, be silent and let me do the work, for the time will come you have to do yours..I know you can give so much more..I have prepared him for you as much as I have prepared you for him"..:)

the day he broke me

he broke me...

he did that by not talking for 4 days straight then a single  message in Facebook ...

he broke me and he broke us...

i can't explain anything, it felt like someone pull that trigger in my head..

i was yearning to clutch to any thing...my soul was looking for something to reach out to..

i had my phone in my hand which  both bought in Robinson's Manila..i called his mom..

i didn't know why of all persons she is the one i have to call  but my impulse was "call her"...

the phone was ringing and when she answered on the other line, all i can say was "--- nakipag--hiwalay-- po siya-- saken--" i don't know how i uttered those words, but my breath was shallow i have to take it down to syllables..then she asked me "bakit naman?"--my dreaded word "why?"   because in reality i don't know WHY?

this is my life..

i fell in love one time..

i got engaged..

we prepared the wedding...

he left for us but he promised to come back for us..

i trusted him even my heart say don't allow him to leave..

he was there and i was here...

we tried to make it work..

3 months later he called it off the wedding and he broke up with me..

then it was all broken...

of reasons i dont understand..of reason he refused to say..maybe he said it but i don't quite get it...maybe tomorrow i can digest his words..maybe weeks later he can think about it...you know my response to him "immediate shock, asking him whats wrong maybe we can fix it then i gave him the space that he needs..that was it..

does it make me a less of a person if i dont beat the crap out of him..if i stay still and be quiet..maybe we both need time..maybe THIS WAS NOT OUR TIME..